Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Some of you may know that I was praying about going to DC to work with Bound4Life and pray to end abortion. Well, I emailed several times with a gal there, and basically they are cementing their full-time staff this year and are praying about starting an internship of sorts in the next few years. This means that right now, they don’t have a place for me. But when I mentioned to the gal that I’m interested in writing for their blog, she told me to write a post and send it, and we’ll see from there.

I've been hesitating to write a blog post for them, and although I tell myself it’s because I’m waiting to articulate my thoughts on a topic that hasn't been recently written about, it’s really because I’m scared to write something and send it to them. I don’t even know if I’m scared of being rejected; I think it’s more scared of putting myself out there. Which is ridiculous, if you know me, because I’m pretty out there. Maybe it’s because I won’t be there to “defend” my work, or because you guys know my voice and are like, “yeah that’s totes what Bek sounds like” but these guys won’t know what I sound like and might think “this chick is a nut case!”

So what do I do? I feel like I should write something, and I have the ideas of a post swirling…
I was going to end that sentence with “fear is holding me back” but that’s not true. As this cool p.interest picture says, fear is a liar.

So I’m going to write a post, and send it in, and I’ll let you know how it goes. Shoot, I might even post it here and let you all comment on it before I send it in. But I think admitting that I’m afraid and then realizing that I have no reason to be afraid {and realizing how stupid my fears are!} has made me determined to write something. It doesn't have to be a freaking 25 page expose. It just needs to be me writing from my heart and my passion, and not being afraid to share it. Bam. Watch out, world!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Heaven is rejoicing

…and on earth we celebrate God’s victory.

Yesterday, Pastor Dennis Trout went to be with Jesus. How sweet for him! And yet here we can only say that we wish we had more time with him.

His legacy is immense-just look at the Facebook page set up for family and friends. 9 out of 10 posts I see are to that page, and this morning it was almost every single post focused on his life, legacy, and eternal life with Jesus.

Pastor Dennis and his lovely wife Linda

But I’m not going to look at Facebook to determine this great man’s legacy. I look to the fruit of his life.

Pastor Dennis was {what an awful word-was…so final and past-tense} our Marriage and Family pastor, basketball coach, Biblical Ethics teacher, and those are just some of his official titles. So to examine his legacy, I look at the fruit.

  • practically everyone who has been married at our church has gone through PT’s courtship questions and premarital counseling, and many many people have had him tell their story during their wedding.
  • it amazes me how many young men he coached on and off the basketball court! On the facebook page for him, most of the young men addressed him as Coach, and they thanked him for coaching them in life; basketball was only a small aspect of what he trained these men in.
  • ahh, 11th grade Ethics class. I remember feeling trepidation on my first day of 11th grade, because I did not know what to expect from PT’s class, and I had heard that he was a hard teacher! But that class ended up being my favorite class {it’s everyone’s favorite, I think!} and Pastor Trout is so endearing. 

He wrote a “Passion Prayer” that each student in the class had to “perform” with all their hearts-yelling, dancing, jumping, etc- and preferably in an accent. Oh, the humiliation. But afterwards, I think we all realized that we as a class were more closely bonded {who wouldn’t be after that experience!?}, and Pastor Trout taught us more seriously about the passion we all should have in our lives.

Pastor Dennis, I know you’re dancing with Jesus right now, and I’m so happy for you, that you are healed and that you are seeing the face of God, the face that you represented so well to us. I’m sad for myself, that I won’t hear you call me Deborah for a while. I’m so, so thankful for everything you are and for your passion. It was not in vain, and I pray that the coming generations can live up to your example. I love you, PT!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Tuesday’s Torture

I’m trying to exercise every day. Already you know about my running endeavors. Well, I decided that I should also strengthen my arms and my abs {what girl doesn't think she needs this?!} so I've been actually doing exercises from P.interest. Wait, you didn't know you could do those? Yup. It’s true.

sorry for the sarcasm. I guess endorphins make me a smart-aleck… actually not. that’s natural.

So, I thought I’d share some of my favorite exercises. And by favorites, I mean the ones that I hate the most but know they’re good for me. Oh, paradox.

So for abs, here’s what I've been doing.

this is not me, and I don’t think it’s the blog author either… just some random chick who guides us through the exercises. whatevs. the full work out is here for your viewing pleasure. wow I really am a smart aleck when I exercise.

Also for your abs, pick your 5 favorite songs and burn the butter!

I did this one today, and literally broke a sweat. I know, ladies don’t sweat; they glisten, but I was working out like a beast and I actually sweated. What. Now.

Finally, for your arms, anyone ever heard of Tracy Anderson? Me neither, but after today I would not want to meet her in a dark alley. Here is her under-8-minute arm workout. I’d cuss, but this blog is supposed to be like PG or whatever, so I’ll just say dang. Here's the video of torture.

I have nothing else to say. It hurts to type. And I have to go for a run, because ya gotta get your cardio in! Oh, speaking of cardio, here’s on more regime that I think would be awesome but am too scared to attempt.
Here is a dare for you. Let me know how it turns out. I wish you luck.

And just for fun, here’s some motivation (also from P.interest).

sometimes I feel like this….

my new motto :)

And with that, I’m choosing to feel sore tomorrow…or today…more likely both. Anyway, cheers!

Friday, July 20, 2012

Follow-Through Post

Ok, my first left-ya-hanging item is from this post in January. I said I would tell you what Jesus had been speaking to me at that time.

Well, I’m looking back in my journal as we speak, folks. Let’s see: Jesus was speaking a lot of vision and destiny into my heart at that time, because I was wondering if I was meant to make my Other Home my permanent Home, and Jesus told me that “there will be goodbyes and see-you-laters and hello-agains.”
Wow. God told me all that, months before I would even need it! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Second: this post in March. Sacrifice, especially regarding the products we purchase and what companies do with their revenue. Please check out this and this site {you might have to click something at the bottom of the second link to continue to the correct page}, and please consider this letter to businesses that support Planned Parenthood. Also, if you really want, I can post my last research paper on the subject of de-funding Planned Parenthood. Maybe I’ll do that if someone requests it. Now it’s all you, readers! But seriously, let us consider where our money goes and what products go into us. There are some vaccines and other household, consumable products that have aborted babies in them. What!? I’d say “yuck” but that doesn't even begin to describe my disgust and sadness. Check out this website for more information on things like that.

I actually think that I've been ok with following through on things. Pictures are the only things that are really lacking here. So, my next post will {hopefully} include pictures of 1- my dulcimer and 2- my craft that I made with my friend and finished and brought home today!!!

Oh, speaking of crafts, this same friend and I went to Good.will and brought home some treasures. Like a wooden picture frame for $0.50 and a vase for $0.69 and a cheese grater!!! for $0.69!!!! Shut up shut up I spent less than $3 on these treasures! Pictures coming soon!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Ok, more details

I think I can do this without crying. So here goes.

During the last week of June, my dog Sugar kinda collapsed on her way out the door with my sister. She lay on the porch for a couple minutes, and then was fine and went on the walk. {we found out later that was Heart Attack #1}

On July 2nd, my mom and sis were out on the back porch and Sugar was in the back yard. Another dog jumped into my neighbor’s yard {Sugar has very few doggie friends, I should add} and Sugar went craaaazy barking ferociously and scaring the strange dog away. Mom went out to shoo the other dog away, and when she turned back to our own yard, Sugar was lying belly-up on the ground. She was able to roll over, but couldn't lift her head for like 5 minutes. {Heart Attack #2}

Before I go on, let me say that Sugar was still jumping the back fence like a month ago. Yes, my 14-year-old dog was jumping the fence and roaming the neighborhood like she was in her right mind. A couple years ago, it was a common occurrence for a neighbor/co-worker who lives down the street to call and say “Sugar’s at my house. Want me to bring her back?” and one of us would walk the 3 blocks and go bring her back. We almost expected her to be waiting for us on the front porch even though we left her on a leash in the backyard. It was a family joke that the neighbor kids would come over and ask “Can Sugar come out and play?” because she knew them better than we did.

So the fact that Sugar couldn't lift her head clued us in that something was wrong.

I went to Florida with my friend, and one night when I called home, I noticed my mom sounded like she had a stuffy nose. I asked her if she was sick, and she told me that she had been crying. I was like, uh-oh. what’s up? and she told me that Sugar had been coughing and wheezing and the vet said she had fluid in her lungs. Poor baby.

When I got home, she wasn't coughing anymore, but the medicine the vet had given her to get the fluid out of her lungs was basically a dehydrator and she had lost like 5lbs of water-weight. She was skiiiiinny! Like, homeless skinny. And then Mom tells me she hadn't eaten in 4 days. So the dog was drinking a ton and eating nothing, and not moving very much. {note: I refer to her as “the dog” as a term of endearment. I called her that to her face, just so you know.}

Oh yeah, before the coughing thing, we didn't know if she would survive the 4th of July, because she hates fireworks. Now, some dogs hate fireworks and go hide from them. Sugar hates fireworks and tries to out-volume them with her barking. Yeah. That kind of hate.

So after the two heart incidents, Mom and J took her to the vet 1- to check her out and 2- to get basically tranquilizer drugs for her. The vet told them that Sugar had a heart murmur and basically the two “episodes” were heart attacks, and only half her heart was working. So, the tranquilizers might kill her if we gave them to her, or the barking and excitement from the fireworks might kill her if we didn't give them to her, or she could be fine and last another year. awesome.

We ended up giving her half of a pill and she survived. {I wasn't there for this, so this is second-hand.} But she was really, really mellow after that.

The weekend after the 4th, we wanted to go to our beach cabin. Dad and J literally put Sugar on her rug and carried the rug to the back of the van where her kennel was. This kind of freaked me out, because when Sugar was healthy, she hated being carried or lifted or anything. So when she just looked and Dad and J as they precariously carried her to the van, I knew that something was really, really wrong.

My sis P was in Toronto at the time, working for good old Microsoft. My mom told me that Friday we were hoping Sugar lasted until Sunday so P could say goodbye, and then we were going to put her down on Monday. The end really was near. But it was nearer than we thought.

Saturday, Mom, Dad, J and I are at the beach cabin. Sugar had done pretty well; she had walked around with one of her few doggie friends Grappa {he’s Italian-it’s pronounced “GRAW-puh”} and then she basically lay around. We had guests over, and Mom took them out in the kayaks. I was helping put the last kayak away when I saw J and Dad looking under the front porch, Sugar’s favorite spot where she had been the past couple hours, and then I heard J start to cry, hard, and Dad got up and hugged her. That was when I knew.

Our guests graciously offered to leave, so Mom took them to the ferry while Dad, J, our neighbor and I started to dig a grave for Sugar. Grappa is the second dog our neighbors had; Bailey was their first, and he is buried in their field. Bailey and Sugar basically were best doggie friends; Sugar was the only dog Bailey liked. So our neighbors graciously offered to let us bury Sugar next to Bailey. It took us a couple hours to mow and weed wack and dig, but we got it done, and then the 4 of us buried Sugar and thanked God for the good life she had spent with us.

It was so, so hard to realize that she was dead, and it was harder to think about telling my other 2 sisters.

But on Sunday, we went home and sat down as a family and told them, and we cried together and are good.

It’s hard, and weird sometimes to think that we don’t have a dog anymore, but we are grateful for many things involving this whole situation.

  1. She died naturally, in her favorite spot, at home. Because of this, we were able to bury her and will be able to go see her grave if we want.
  2. She wasn't in any pain; it was her heart that went, and that was that. 
  3. It was a very short time between her first heart attack and her death. She didn't suffer and she was herself up until the very end. We literally would get asked “how old is your puppy?” when we took her on walks. So, so grateful for all the time she had with us.
  4. I’m especially glad we didn't have to put her down because a, we would have continually wondered if she had more time left, and b, Sugar hated going to the vet! I’m glad she was comfortable when she died.
This may be really weird for some of my readers, that I’m detailing all this here. Well, first let me say that I am not one of those yay-animals people that is a fan of the animal shelter commercials with the sappy music. Please. Animals are animals, and humans are humans. Check out the Bible for more details on that.

I wanted to document this for a couple reasons. One, it’s cathartic for me to write it all out. It’s helped me get it out of my head, in a sense. My favorite math teacher always told me to get stuff out of my head and “let the paper do the thinking.” So that’s basically what I’m doing with this story.   Two, typing is way faster than me handwriting it. There, that’s the selfish reason. But it relates to my third reason, which is that I do want to remember what happened and how it happened, and I want to remember all the things I’m grateful for involving Sugar’s death. Four, it helped me put things in perspective. Sugar was our family pet and it is sad that we lost her. But at the same time, she’s a dog. I sometimes felt stupid for crying so much over a dog- how do I justify that? It’s not like she’s a person in my immediate family who died, but that’s what it felt like.
So I’m writing about this to get my feelings out.

It kinda seems like I’m contradicting myself, that “she was just a dog” so I wrote a whole blog post about her? What??? It doesn't make sense, I admit. I don’t even understand myself. But I know that this post has helped me, just in writing it, and that in a way I’m getting closure. When I first told you that Sugar had died, I alluded to more details to come. And for the rest of the week, from writing that to writing this, I would think of Sugar or blogging, and I would feel like I needed to finish this story. So now that it’s written out, I have fulfilled my obligations to you, my readers, and to myself, because the tale {terrible timing for a pun, right?} has been told.
Here’s a picture of Sugar just a few weeks before her first heart attack. She was being lazy this time, so I got her lying down. Isn’t she totes adorbs? IMG_20120604_130720
so awkward just lying there. silly dog.

Anyway, so I kinda segued into this: I mentioned last post that I want to make sure I've kept my word and actually told you about the things that I didn't finish telling you about. Like the secret project I was working on, or stuff like that. So today I’ll be going through my posts from this year and making sure I followed through. Look for Follow-Through Posts next week!

Monday, July 16, 2012

the post that I don’t want to write

Alright, I’ll be honest. I've been putting of this post all day. Writing this post means accepting the truth, and the truth right now is painful.

My dog died on Saturday.

There, I said it. It’s real.

I mean, it’s been real since it happened, because she’s not there anymore. It was real this morning when I came back from my run and she wasn't lying in the living room waiting for me. It was real when I left for work and didn't have to leave the back door open so she could come in or go out. It was real this evening when I got home and she wasn't there. It was real when the family watched tv downstairs, and she wasn’t behind the tv sleeping and snoring.

But it doesn't feel real when I think of burying her. It feels…surreal. Imagined. Made up. It feels not real.
I want to do a little post for her, sharing my favorite memories about her, but it’s too raw right now.

Oh, speaking of things {on a lighter note} of what I want to do, I’m going to go re-read my previous blog posts from this past year, and if I've ever mentioned something but not gone back to explain it, or referenced something and said “I’ll come back to this” but haven’t, I’ll clear that up. Don’t want to leave you hanging!

And with that, I bid you goodnight.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Well, yesterday felt pretty dark, eh? True that. But you know what? God is still good, and He’s still the One in control, so why fret? {ps I think that “fret” is probably one of my favorite words to use.}

I found this lovely image yesterday and it is now my desktop.


It’s from the Kim Walker song {called I Surrender –shocking, ain’t it} off the album Here Is My Song. Check it out. It’s amazing. In fact, it’s so amazing that I’ll include a link to the youtube version. Be sure to check out the Spontaneous Song that goes with this one… more incredible, if that’s even possible.

So, in terms of life and stuff….

I’ve emailed some people at Bound4Life & JHOP-DC, and am waiting to hear back from them. Ironically, or not, the #shereadstruth for today was about Psalm 27 and waiting on the Lord. Why yes, that does seem to be a theme for me! God is so cool and funny and witty, even. Go, God!

Another happy note: I have a phone date with AJ!!!!!!!! Woot woot! I was so excited when I woke up this morning, and I get to talk to her in less than an hour! With the time difference, we had to coordinate around nap time and my work time, but we’re gonna do it and talk on the phone, but for realz!!! Ah. So excited.
Because of that phone call, I need to get dressed. No, she won’t be able to see me when we talk, but I have to leave for work right after our conversation, so I need to get ready now. Capice? Good. Peace out!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

What a Week

Thank God for those brief respites where you can sit back and think, a heck of a lot just happened in {however many days} and I’m just gonna sit her for a second…

As you know, I went on a road trip with my bestie last weekend. Then on Tuesday, another friend and I left for Orlando. It was a red-eye flight, but something made it better- at our layover, we got to see a friend! He’s in the Army and was on his way home! It was sooooo good to see him; I had been bummed that we were missing him by a day. But God is good, and we got to hang out for almost an hour while we waited for our connections. Thank You Jesus for surprise encounters!

So I just got back from Florida Monday night (as in, Tuesday morning) and yesterday went to work. For an hour. Then I came home and took a nap. :)

Some of you may know that I was working on my application for a job in Wash. D.C. Well, I found out yesterday that the position has been filled. Yup. No job there. So my dad and I were talking about it, and I started crying and I was like, Dad, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore!  And Dad, being the wise, amazing dad that he is, said, you miss the structure of school. That’s all. You’ll get into the structure of home pretty soon. That was reassuring, a bit. But at the same time, I’m still disappointed that the position filled before I even had a chance. And then I’m mad at myself, because my original goal was to apply by the end of June, and I wonder if I had actually done that if I would have had a chance. But oh well. Those are “what-ifs” and I try not to play that game any more.

Yesterday, in my depression and upset-ed-ness, I kept thinking, I want to move back to my Other Home!!! and while part of that is true, I know that it’s really just me wanting to run away from tough situations here, and that moving is not for right now. But friends in my Other Home, know that I miss you all like craaaaazy and am praying about the right time to come back. Because oh yeah, that internship nearby? Not a guarantee. And I’m the type of person who likes to write things on my Life Calendar in permanent marker, not pencil, so hearing that was like, really? is nothing for sure??? And that makes me nervous and frustrated, and sad, because I don’t know when I’m going to see my Other Families again, and I’d love to curl up into a ball right now and sob my eyes out. But I have to go to work today, so I shouldn't. But you understand, I’m sure. Everyone’s been here, or is going to be here in this position, so I know I’m not alone.

Thank You Jesus for my parents and their wisdom.

Well, I don’t really have a strong conclusion to this post. Pray for me if you think of it, please. I appreciate it.
Hopefully I’ll have news by the next post. 

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


I need to read the Word more. Let me be more explicit. I need to read the Word, period. And unfortunately, but hey, we’re gettin' real here, I think the best way for me to consistently get into the Word is by joining other people who are also getting into the Word. Some may say that’s accountability, but I look at my lack of motivation and think, something is wrong with my heart if I have to be able to instagram my Bible readings.

There’s nothing wrong with sharing your readings. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. But for me, that’s my motivation to read the Word, and that has my priorities messed up.

But still, a sermon comes to mind about this kind of thing. My pastor was speaking about worship and how sometimes we don’t  feel like worshiping, so we don’t. That’s disobedience, because the Lord commands us to worship Him, even when we don’t feel like it. Some would argue that “my heart’s not in it, so I shouldn't be fake,” but my pastor argues that the heart will follow; obedience is the immediate issue here. So my thought is to get on board with a daily reading plan, and yes, share journals and pictures, and yes, let the Word of God change my heart! Because obedience trumps motivation, even though it’s so so sad when my motivation is external. And selfish, because how lame am I, reading the Word so that my heart changes. That is a result of reading the Word, but that shouldn't be my motivation either! I need to read the Word because God tells me to!

This is where I’m at, friends. This is the honest state of Bek’s heart. And it’s ugly and shameful and gross, and you can now read all about it.

I’m not going to let pride get in the way of me encountering the Living God. So if I have to sign up for email reminders and post pictures on instagram to get me into the Word, then so be it, because I need God and nothing, not even my own stupid, circular arguments, is going to stand in my way.


So, on that note, I’ve joined #shereadstruth and if you follow me on the aforementioned instagram, you’ll begin to notice some hashtags.

And hopefully, no matter where we interact, you’ll also begin to notice some changes of heart. The Word of God has a tendency to do that…change lives and hearts.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Wonderful Weekend!!!

This weekend was awesome. Wonderful, if you read the post title. Magnificent, if you want to go with an alliteration for Monday.

What was so awesome, wonderful, and magnificent about it? Let me tell you!

It started with Friday {as most weekends usually do}. I got to work from home in the morning, thus allowing me to accomplish several tasks at once {yay, laundry = multi-tasking!}. Around noon, my dear friend Dahlia {whom you met in our blog switch thingy here} arrived and what a reunion we had! We went shopping, shoe shopping specifically, and though we went to 4 different shoe stores, we purchased no shoes. But we did find some yummy-smelling body wash at Bath & Body Works, and I got a cute shirt from another store.

Anyway. We finished our shopping adventures and came home to get ready for a wedding! Our friend got married Friday evening, and it was a lovely ceremony and reception time. Dahlia had to go home {sad!} but my friends Jess and Katie went out to a late dinner with me afterwards, and that was so good to hang with them.

Saturday morning, my bff arrived at my house, and she and I and another of her friends drove south. for 3 hours. in a drizzle. It was quite fun. I had my new camera to play with, and play I did! The backseat is so great for creeper shots. hehehe.

We arrived at our destination, and first stop: a book store! Of course. My friends are literary nerds {self-admitted!} and English majors and British fanatics and of course we would go to a bookstore before checking into our hotel!

We did in fact check into our hotel, after a little adventure with the rooms and keys. I’m saving that for a Funny Friday post, so you’ll get it in a few days. Then we had another adventure, which you will also get on Friday, because they are just too great when you consider they happened in the space of an hour!


The whole reason we went on this little journey was to see our favorite and beloved Benedict Cumberbatch {aka Sherlock} in “Frankenstein.” Now, I must explain, this was not live. No, that would make too much sense for these three recent college grads. We went on this trip to see a filmed stage production that he was in last year. Yes, I accept the fact that we are indeed hardcore nerds, fans, and other obsessive names that are appropriate here. Anywho.

Here is a trailer you can watch to see a bit of what we did. Because we did watch it twice, once for each role. Ahhh. So glorious.

And then we drove home for 3 hours and I went to bed and slept in and it was lovely.

So that was my wonderful weekend. Hope yours was just as nice!