It's Real

Ever anticipate something for so long, but then in the midst of your anticipation, you realize that the thing you've been anticipating is actually going to exist, and then you think maybe this wasn't such a good idea and what on earth have I gotten myself into and how do I leave and where do I run?

That's pretty much how I feel right now. I'm about to go on an approximately 1,500 mile journey and leave my family and friends and the familiar for over 4 months. Am I crazy!?!?What was I thinking when I said this was my first-choice school!?!?!? How am I going to survive?

And then comes the quiet peace, and Holy Spirit whispers, "It's ok. I'm going with you. You will not be alone, and you are in My will." And then my being sags a bit, as if all the air of a balloon was let out, and the stress and nerves that had me so wound up tight have been released. For now.

You see, tension seems to build itself in me, and I don't realize it until I think about leaving, and then the tension starts building a mansion, instead of just the little burrow it previously had made in my mind, and all of a sudden the mansion is taking over. Thank God for His Holy Spirit!

I got a letter today from my local school. They have some financial aid for me, which is great, except I'm not going! I don't know if they don't know how to take 'no' for an answer, or if they want to convince and entice me, or if they simply haven't received my 'thanks, but no thanks' letter. I'm not sure. I don't really care, though. I'm not going to their school; I'm going far away into the loneliness...

What if I stayed here and went to the local school? How would my life be different? Besides the obvious lack of distance in relationships, there's the not-so-obvious lack of new friends to be made. I'm not saying that I won't make any friends if I stay local, but I feel a calling, an urging to go to this far-away school, like I'm going to change the world by going there. And who knows? I just might. God knows.

Well, thanks for letting me spill my guts again, dear readers. I can't wait to regale you with tales of my far-away adventures...even thought simultaneously I'm dreading leaving.

"I'm going with you..."

Future Life?

A few days ago, I started reading Laura Bush's Spoken From the Heart. Why am I reading this? Well, my discipler told me, on our very first meeting, that she heard the Lord say that I am like Mrs. Laura Bush. So, being a diligent, if delayed, disciple, I ordered the book from the library, and it just arrived late last week. As I've delved into the first hundred or so pages of the book, I began pondering my own life. If I'm like Laura Bush, doesn't it follow that I too will write a book about my life? And if that is true, why shouldn't I get a head start on it, since I am obviously alive, and the past 21 years are a part of my life.

And that thought made me pause.

You see, I've thought about writing books before. I've considered writing fiction, or a children's book, or a devotional, or even just giving my journals to my children, when they're old enough. But I'd never considered writing an autobiography, because I'd never thought my life would be public enough for an autobiography to be necessary. But as I read Laura Bush's book, and as I consider that I could live a life like hers, with the influence she has, I realize that my life will definitely reach far and beyond what I thought possible. And that scares me.

But it also inspires and convicts me! If my life is going to be so public, and my influence is going to be so great, how must I live now so that my testimony later is as powerful as possible? How can I live today so that tomorrow my life can be examined and found to lack nothing? What choices can be made in the present so that the future will give all the glory to God?

It's like applying to colleges. You keep your MySpace and Facebook page as good-looking as possible, you volunteer for all sorts of events and organizations, and you don't get speeding tickets. But on a much bigger scale, how am I interacting with people today so that in 10, 15, 20 or more years, they will remember me and say, "She was a godly woman even in her twenties." I want that!!! I want the people who know me now, or even those who know my face or name, to later be able to say "When she was in college, she had integrity," or "When she worked for this or that employer, she made the company look good," or "I took a class with her in college, and she made class fun." What am I doing today that will be positively remembered later?

I hope that my life so far is an example of trusting the Lord. I know there are specific points in my life that I was so scared to let go of control, but I know also that overall, my testimony will be that I trusted the Lord, and He has done great things.

I hope that so far, I have lived a life of risk. I hope that I have risked something or everything so that someone else may encounter a piece of Jesus. I hope that some small act of boldness on my part changed someone else's life for the better.

I hope that I have been an encouragement to those around me. I hope that the people I see or talk to regularly have been uplifted by my words and actions, and I hope that I have supported my dear friends in their life battles.

I hope that I have made others welcome. If you were ever "the new guy" in my presence, I hope that I made you feel welcome and included. I hope that my icebreakers weren't too awkward, and that you were able to join the group with no hesitations.

These are some of words that will describe my life, I hope. If you have any to add, please feel free to comment on this post. I'd love to hear from you.

Pulling

Have you ever felt two completely different emotions at the same time? Welcome to my world!

I'm sooooooo excited to go to this new school, but it's so far away from my home! I'm thrilled to be doing something new, but I'm petrified to leave the old. I'm anticipating making lots of new friends, but I'm definitely going to miss the old ones. I'm looking forward to living in a dorm, but I'm nervous about sharing a room with a stranger.

 My emotions are flipping back and forth, pulling me from one feeling to the next. And while I don't want to be led by my feelings, I know that I need to process through them and talk with my parents and friends as they come. My discipler gave me a great analogy of this time in my life: preparing to go into labor! It's something I've been expecting, and the time comes when I'm ready, but when the moment comes, everything is katiwompus!

She told me that when you go into labor, your whole being shakes with adrenaline! This time of transition is so similar, because everything in me is shaking and vibrating and is focused on the now. I'm excited to begin this process, and I am definitely nervous, but as a wise man once told me, each progressive year is the best year of your life! Aka, it only gets better! Look up, readers, look up!

Some Lists...

Ok, readers, this is a lot, because all this information and all these thoughts have been swarming around my head like bees around Winnie the Pooh. So here goes my attempt to clear my brain just a tad.

I have a lot of things to pack before I leave, and then I have an even longer list of things to buy once I get there. With airfare prices what they are, it will be cheaper to just fly with my clothes and personal items and then purchase the generic stuff. I'm just letting you know, because if I don't say at least something I definitely will go completely crazy.

When I pause and ponder things, several things jump out at me as "be a part of that!" activities. But when I sit down to write them all out, my brain goes, "just kidding!" and won't tell me! So be looking for a list of activities I want to participate in, because it is definitely coming!

One of these said activities will be something about helping bring about restoration to girls held captive in prostitution. Another will be donating HUGE funds to pro-life lobbyists and clinics. I would also like to sponsor a child, or three, or seven, from around the world, and I would definitely want to meet these kids.

I want to be known for my hospitality. When I have my own home, I want people to feel completely welcome and at home. I want my friends to feel comfortable staying, or leaving their kids. I want my kids to be great hosts and hostesses, and I want their friends to feel like this is their second home.

I think that this is a part of the reason I'm studying business: I want the flexibility and the means to host people for any length of time. This is a God-given desire, I believe, and I know that if it is, He will totally make it all happen without me having to do anything!!

Thanks for listening, readers, and be watching for more lists coming soon!

Things I'm Going to Miss

So, readers, today I took my last final. I'm done with school in my home state, and as I've been getting more and more excited and nervous about going away in a few months, quite a few things have stuck out to me as things or people or places that I will miss tremendously. 

So here, to show my appreciation for these items now, I'm going to make a list. These are in no particular order, and if I miss you as a person, please know that (a) it was completely unintentional...remember my brain is still in finals-mode! And (b) I will miss immense amounts of people, and no blog will ever be big enough to show my love and appreciation for you all.

Things I will miss:

• My sisters!!!! 
• Mountains! 
• Tall buildings 
• The ocean 
• the kids I work with!!!!!!! 
• my co-workers!!! 
• playing tanks on the wii 
• my puppy dog
• not having to worry about the air conditioning 
• my BFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! 
• not having to worry about time differences {for the most part}
• Blue skies, blue water, green trees
• my sisters' last few years of high school {as in, I will be absent for them... I personally am glad to be done with high school! but for their sake, I'm sad that I can't be here when they're experiencing it}
• My mother's cooking
• My sister's brownies
• My sisters' birthdays :(
• my church fam!
• my discipler
• home group
• the library here at home
• bookshelves in my room
• having a car to drive! ahhh

This is all I can think of for right now. I know I didn't add a whole lot of people, but it's mainly because I'm in denial right now. I don't want to admit to myself that I'm leaving the people I adore, and there are a lot of you! So please, I'll add you to my list. In fact, YOU are the reason I'm making this list: by focusing on the small things, the big things kinda fade. But you are not forgotten! Really, you're the sharper pain... I'm trying to dull your presence by thinking of landscapes, but you are still there, and I will miss you more than I miss my library or tall buildings! Thanks for letting me vent just a little, and I know there will be more to come... not sure if that's good or bad, but it is. Loves!

OMW

Dear readers, please take my advice: unless there is a genuine NEED to move finals, don't! I moved two of my finals, and with those movements, have 4 finals and 1 speech and 1 HUGE project due within 3 days. I'm officially crazy.

Why, you ask, would I do such a silly thing? Am I going out of town? Out of the country? Out of my mind!?!?!? Yes to the last one.

The reason I moved 2 finals is so that I can go see Toy Story 3 in theaters at midnight on Thursday, and I didn't want to take finals on Friday morning. So here I am, keeping my head above water and praying that this movie and experience with friends will be worth it.

I know it will be. I'll be done 2 days before the quarter is over. I won't have to worry about school AND work at the same time (day camp starts on Monday, and we have all-day care on Thursday and Friday of this week), and my sis will be home, so I am free to go hang with her. It's just a little crazy right now. But I can do it! Jesus told me this morning that His grace is enough, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Of course I can do this!

Right now as I write, I'm already done with one final and my speech, and I'm working on the project. I should be done with the project before I go to work today (hopefully!), and then tonight is study session central!

Thank you for taking time to read my venting. It helps me clear my mind, and I'm sure it helps you appreciate your finals schedule! :)

Ponderings

Yesterday was a party celebrating my grandpa's 90th birthday. His birthday is tomorrow, but Saturdays are just better for parties, you know?

My grandpa has Alzheimer's. He gets confused, and forgets conversations and other things. It was a lovely party yesterday, and a lot of friends and relatives came to celebrate. 2 of Grandpa's nephews surprised him and came from across the country! I was glad all these people could come and celebrate, but in a way, it almost felt like a goodbye, and I'm not sure how to process that. It wasn't officially "farewell," of course, because he's still alive! But with his mind going before his body, I know that the Grandpa I grew up with is leaving me.

I'm glad all the family and friends could come and see him, and I'm really glad that he recognized and remembered everyone! There was just a sense, or a sense of a sense, of goodbyes being said. I'm sure that could be said of ANY 90th birthday party, especially with so many far-away relatives, but it felt different this time. Maybe it's because I live close to my grandpa, and because my dad is his son and there's the responsibility that comes with that. I don't know.

All I know is that it's hard to mourn someone when they're still here...yet at the same time, not. I don't know how to explain it, but I hope that you will pray for my family, especially my grandma and my dad, as they are the primary caregivers for my grandpa. Thank you.

Pot Boiling Over

Today was just one of those days.

Nothing actually went wrong, but everything was hard.

I took a test yesterday, and the day after the test is just plain agony, especially when the tests are not returned.

I took a test today, and actually think I did good. I'm still not going to become an accountant, though!

I gave a speech today. I barely made the time frame, although she gives you 30 seconds plus or minus, but again, getting to the goal was a struggle.

God told me to go out and census for a while, but I chose not to, reasoning that I only had an hour and half before work. I accomplished nothing instead.

I went to work, and because it was raining, the kids had to be inside a lot. And of course they were rowdy, because they've been inside all day. They went swimming, and then later we went outside, but it was a long day.

I met with my census boss, and he was surprised I hadn't done as much as he thought I had. Guess what my weekend looks like?

I argued with my sister over where my loofah should remain: in the sink or in the tub. And then I yelled at her because she didn't put my towel back where I wanted it. How trivial!

And to complete my skewed day, my favorite show, the only one I watch, has just ended. No, excuse me, it ended last week with a "to be continued." As in, continued next season! Just force agony upon me! It wouldn't be so bad, except I had been expecting this week to be the last, so there was a week's worth of disappointment in me.

I missed His grace today. I think if I'm going to shower in the morning, I need to get up earlier so I can spend time in His Presence first and foremost, because if I don't right away, I won't at all. And I can't go without Him.

Maybe that's the lesson I need to learn today. I need Him more than anything else. If my pot is boiling over, maybe it's the signal to jump into the fire and burn for Him.