That Antsy Stage

It’s the antsy time. You know, the time before a transition, and all your anticipation and nerves and frustrations and adrenaline are still stuck inside you with no where to go but to bed?

Because I’m in this stage, I feel like I’m wasting my life away. I know, it’s an exaggeration {you don’t get voted Most Dramatic in h.s. for nothing!}, but that’s what I’m tempted to think on lazy Sundays with travelling plans on Tuesday. There’s nothing to do right now- too soon to pack, too snowy to go out, wrong time zone to call friends or family- and so I feel stuck. It’s the awkward waiting period that lasts a few days and then goes away; it’s a time of transition, and so I’m antsy.

As previously mentioned, my bestie and I are planning on getting a place together. I’m meeting with the realtor next week to discuss stuff, and the ball is really getting rolling! I know God has a great place for us, and I’m so excited to move into this next stage.

Along with the anticipation and happiness of going home and finding a new home with the bestie, there is the sadness that comes, too. The reality of Grandpa’s passing will definitely sink in once I’m home, and I know I will really feel the loss as Grandma moves into my parents’ home and I see her frequently but Grandpa no more on earth.

I’m excited to start working for my parents, but I’m also nervous scared apprehensive about the whole process. Things will be different, because I’ll be doing a different job, I won’t be living at home {once we get a place, of course}, and I now have 6 months of experience that I didn’t have in June. But it’s still an unknown, and that means it’s an omnipresent thought in my mind.

Also, when I go home, I’m going to be volunteering for a crisis pregnancy center! I’m very excited to start serving!!! During training, the lady in charge of the education program {they go into schools and talk about abstinence and things like that} said that she would love for me to be a part of their program because I’m single. Guess being single is cool still! ;) I’m really looking forward to getting back to working with kids; I do miss my after-school groupies.

And on a lighter note, the bestie has been doing what she does best and sharing the passion for all things BBC and Sherlock, and now several of our friends are “on the bandwagon” {and by bandwagon I mean totally and completely obsessed}, and when Season Three comes out, we are planning a dress-up party for each episode! There are only 3 episodes; don’t think we’re totally crazy {we are, but not for that reason!}.It will be especially fabulous because these parties will be at our own homes, which is totally crazy because omg when did we get so old, but at the same time, it does feel kind of fun to think of hosting a themed party with friends at my house. Boom. I just grew a long white beard.

Thanks for listening, friends.

Random Saturday Musings

Just a few things to share, in no particular order:

I recently discovered the blog of  Laura, and I’m really inspired. She’s active in the pro-life movement, and we have similar goals in terms of our involvement in the movement. She and I have emailed a couple times, and I really admire this young lady! She gave me a really remarkable recommendation: start answering questions about abortion on Yahoo! Answers. Brilliant! So simple, yet so effective! Read her post about cyber counseling!

It snowed back at Home…as in, schools were delayed because it actually stuck. This never happens, and yet it did. And it snowed in my Other Home. This I think is more rare for March. And just when I was about to say “Finally you get what I’m getting,” it starts to snow here in the Frozen Tundra too. Ugh.

I’ve been on a Lord of the Rings kick recently. As in, I’m watching the movies again…by myself…yeah, the extended versions. Hello, I’m a nerd.

L came over today and we watched Anne of Avonlea. Sniff. I love that movie. Makes me want to re-read the Anne books, and then actually advance into the books about {spoiler warning for those of you who haven’t read it and have been living under a stupid rock} Anne and Gilbert’s married life.
Oh, and did I mention {sorry Lola!} that Dahlia and I are going to Prince Edward Island in August?!!?!? Yes we are, shut the front door. Contain your jealousy, everyone. We’ve basically been planning this trip since our sophomore or junior year of college. We were going to go “the summer after graduation!” but then we got jobs and realized that we are grown-ups and stuff, and so we delayed it one summer. But we’re going in 5 months!!! Holla! Or as they say up north, “Eh!”

Oh yeah one small teeny insignificant thing… I started packing. But hey, I leave in 3 days, instead of 30 like, oh you know, last month. But when I say I “started” packing, I really mean it. Just books and things that I won’t be using this weekend. So don’t freak out. I’m not crazy. Or as “Confessions of a Shopaholic” would say, “I’m not a pervert!”

don’t know where to go from here, so I’m going to go finish “The Return of the King.” Peace out!

Funny Friday: March Madness Edition

This is one of those deep dark confessions times that will end in laughter. If we were in person and I was telling this story, you might start out believing that this is a serious, deeply personal story, and then when I got to the end, you would look at me incredulously and burst out laughing.
I'm giving you this warning up front because body language and tones are absent from blog posts, as evidenced from the fact that this is a blog.

Can you tell it's Friday? This is how Bek's Brain operates at the end of a long week.

moving on to the actual story.

Introduction:
Once upon a time I was in high school. This was sophomore year, my first year in high school with actual other classmates {yay homeschooling!}, and really my first sustained interaction with...boys. Yep. Family of girls + homeschooling + only one guy my age on the island we had just moved from = steep learning curve in 10th grade! Oh, did I mention that my class had eight guys!?!?!? Yeah. Steep learning curve.

Background:
My church's classical academy is pretty awesome. Intense and awesome. We have one dance every year...it's a ball, literally and figuratively, and we invite our parents and teachers and the mayor of our city, and we all have a dinner and honor people and dance the night away...until about 9:30pm. Truth. {Usually we all go to Red Robin afterwards, because what's the point of dressing up if you can't strut your stuff, right!?}
So this dance is called our Ambassadors' Ball, because we are all ambassadors of Christ and we like to dance {I'm sure there's a deeper, more spiritual meaning for the name, but like I said, I joined in 10th grade and never found out}. The Ambassadors' Ball happens in May, because then it's finally starting to warm up enough to wear ballgowns.

Scene:
Math class, one of the best parts of the day. Also truth. I loved {and still love} math, and I loved {and still love} our math teacher, Mrs. C. She is one of the most patient and fair teachers ever, and she makes The Best Rolls In The History Of Rolls. Also truth.
I think that we were enjoying said rolls when I hear some male classmates talking about "the dance" and how exciting it all was and how they were looking forward to "who made it" and things like that. I was slightly confused, but said nothing {Insert Mark Twain quote here: "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it."}.

So there I am, minding my own business, enjoying my roll, and my bestie comes and sits next to me and asks "So are you excited for the big dance?"

And I think to myself isn't it a bit early to be thinking about the Ambassadors' Ball in March!? And so I say as much, and Lola looks at me incredulously and says "Not our dance. College basketball!"

And honest-to-God this is what passes through my head: Aww, the basketball players have a dance! That's sweet...and weird, but ok. They have a dance for everyone in their league. That would be fun...but I'm still confused.

So I say to Lola: "The basketball players have a dance?"

And she bursts out laughing.

And I kinda laugh too, but am still bewildered.

Lola enlightens me: "They call the big tournament 'the dance.'"

Oooooooohhhhhhhh. Right. That makes perfect sense. Not.

And that is the story of how I learned about basketball, their dance, and yet another reason of why I don't follow sports.

The Lion King

As promised, here is the post that describes my fun and amazing time at The Lion King.

First of all, what would a great theater date be without a great dinner beforehand? So, L and I went to Chick-fil-A for dinner. Heck yes we did. We got it to-go and brought it home to enjoy with my grandparents , which they loved. They had never had it before! What!? Say it ain't so! Sad but true, so L and I remedied that right away.

After our lovely dinner, L and I got dolled up and headed downtown. Our seats were really good, and our anticipation grew.

Oh. My. Word. The first scene was incredible. I got chills twice within the first few notes of the opening song. Wow.

                                                 source
This isn't the best picture, but it was the only one with the elephant, and that was my favorite part. This picture doesn't do it justice either, so just know it was about one zillion times more amazing than this picture shows.

Also, the giraffes were awesome. If I was going to be one of these animals, I would definitely go for giraffe.

                                       source

I know, I'm going on and on about the opening scene, but seriously, it was beyond belief. One last picture, I promise!

                                                source
This was the part that gave me chills, when Rafiki sang those first few notes of the song we all know so well. Also notice here in the background the dancer holding the antelopes. One of the coolest parts was how the actors and dancers used their bodies as part of the prop, since the focus was supposed to be their costume. The antelopes leaped just like the real ones do. Za Zu is really the best example of this {sorry, one more picture!}

                                             source
Obviously it's a guy running around with a bird, but the way he did it was astounding.

If you have the chance to go, go! It will totally be worth it. Even though you know the story and the songs, go, because the costumes and the dancing and the theater setting will blow your mind.

Oh yeah just one minor unrelated thing: SHERLOCK SEASON THREE STARTS FILMING TODAY!

                                      source...and a great read if you're interested

Now try and carry on with your lives like nothing has happened-ha!

Funny Friday, and Life Is Going Onward

I'll be home in 11 days, and boy am I going to miss living with my grandparents! Or Ding and Dong, as I affectionately refer to them :) They laugh harder than I do when I call them this, so don't think I'm being disrespectful. Anyway, these two keep me amused {and they keep themselves amused pretty well too!} and I hope that my stalker sister is up to the challenge of making me laugh each day :)

Scene: last night, Grams and Grandpa are sitting in the living room watching a movie. I couldn't tell if it was a Hallmark movie {Grammie's} or a cowboy movie {Grandpa's} but they were both watching it so I figured it was a cowboy drama or something.
On-screen, an older man is riding a motorcycle.

Grandpa: He's an old man and he's riding a motorcycle. Why can't I ride a motorcycle?

Grammie: Because you're too short. You wouldn't be able to steer it.

Grandpa: Well, I'll get a little one then.

Yes, friends, this conversation actually happened. And today is their 60th wedding anniversary. What a legacy of love and laughter.

Well, life does go on, doesn't it? Part of me has gone on like nothing's different: I've gone to work, laughed, gone to see The Lion King on-stage {marvelous! Post coming on that soon!}, and gone shopping. But another part of me is still in shock. Actually, I think I've entered the denial stage, because even though I know Grandpa is in Heaven, I keep thinking that I'll return home in a couple weeks and both Grandma and Grandpa will be in their apartment when I go visit them. But that is not at all the case.

L and I are doing a Bible study by Margaret Feinberg, and she has a little mantra for when life is overwhelming. "Breathe in. Breathe out. God is good. God is still on the throne." And that's what I've been repeating to myself. God is good, all the time, and all the time, He is good.

Heaven rejoices, I reel

This is the post I knew I would write someday, but am totally unprepared to actually write it.

Yesterday I got the phone call I’d been expecting for a long time, but was totally shocked to receive it.

Yesterday morning, my grandpa went to be with Jesus. He was 92 years old.

All day yesterday and today, through the shock and the pain and the tears and the phone calls home, I bless the Lord. All my family’s prayers were answered concerning Grandpa’s passing from this life into the next.

• Grandpa went to Jesus peacefully; he was not in pain.
• Grandma was not alone; my aunt was with her.
• He had lived to see his 60th wedding anniversary with my grandma

There are many other reasons for me to praise the Lord regarding Grandpa’s life, and I’m amazed at the Lord’s faithfulness. God is so good, even in this agony of loss.
But it’s not true loss. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see Grandpa again, and what makes that knowledge even sweeter is that Grandpa doesn’t have Alzheimer’s any more! Even through my tears, I smile, because Alzheimer’s is no match for Heaven. My God wins!

Yes, there is pain, even though we’ve been expecting this for a long time. But there is also Jesus. I cannot describe the peace that has been with me every moment, even when I sob and clench my fists and wonder. His peace really does surpass understanding, and I am so grateful.

My family would appreciate your prayers, especially for my dad, who lost his father, something I shudder to imagine, and for my grandma. But God. God is good, all the time.

Grandpa with his perpetual smile

Heaven rejoices, and I rejoice too

Work

My BFF just posted her amazing and brilliant thoughts. Read her and then check out my response. This started as a comment, and then I realized that I was finally articulate what I was trying to say in the second half of this previous post, so please enjoy my fuller articulation here.

My thoughts tend towards "what am i actually accomplishing with my life? why am i going work doing something that i'm not very passionate about when i could be, oh i don't know, living in Africa feeding children, or volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center, or building relationships with people. "Work" seems so pointless when it just involves email!

But then I realize, this is why I'm in Business Leadership School right now- work has eternal value, God is a worker, and THIS place is my ministry! It doesn't feel like it right now when I have one co-worker who is a strong Christian, but it is, and it will be, and i know that God has great plans for me and they start HERE, in the office, in my inbox, in my heart.

I realized that there is was dualism in my heart, that I was separating in my mind the work done in a business and the work done blatantly and openly as a ministry. WRONG! God's ministry is wherever He has placed you, and how stupid of me for not recognizing my own feelings of frustrations and applying the teachings that I'm hearing. Duh, Bek!

So there. I think that I've said enough. What do you say?

Unexpected Grief

Yesterday I found out that one of my students {from my college job as a TA} died suddenly in his dorm. I don't have many details, just that foul play was not suspected and that the family has been notified.

I didn't know this student extremely well, but I know he was a good student and a nice guy. He wasn't embarrassed when I would say hi to him outside of class, and he was a fairly good writer.

What else can I say? My relationship with him was not close, but I was in close proximity to him for a full semester. I grieve for his family and friends, and for my campus as a whole. Their spring break starts next week; what a somber break it will be for some!

This may sound strange, but when I was driving home last night and talking to Jesus about him, I said Lord, I hope he's with You! And the Lord said he is. At first I didn't know what to think, because I believe that everyone is going to live for eternity; it's just a matter of where you'll be living that you can change.
I thought also that maybe I was answering myself, trying to comfort my shocked brain. But then I thought, well, I'll find out someday. And {although I'm ashamed to admit it} face.book confirmed that this young man identified himself as a Christian, and I think of how sweet God is, that He would tell me this and comfort me, and I think how shameful it is that I believed face.book more readily than the voice of God, and I am humbled by the love and mercy of God that forgives my unbelief.

Please keep this family and community in your prayers.

When I'm Wrong

Been working from home for about 9 business days now {thankfully back in the office this week-got a little too stir crazy last week!} and I had a lot of time to think. And God was is dealing with some stuff in me, and so that leads to even more thinking. So here are some of my revelations

First of all, God knows what He's doing, and I don't, and that's enough. I trust Him.

This may surprise some of you {ok let's be real: none of you}, but I've made mistakes. in the past. in my life. yeah. shocker.

Specifically, I've realized that I have not always "assumed goodwill" about people, and that because I was assuming ill-will, I've been unkind. There are a couple specific instances I'm thinking of, but I'm sure that there are more.

So now what? I know that I made mistakes; what do I do now?

First and most importantly, I repent. Jesus is Who I've ultimately sinned against, and so I ask for His forgiveness and grace to change.

Usually the next step would be to go to the people I've wronged, and I am going to do that when appropriate, but since I live in the Frozen Tundra for another three weeks, I'm going to wait until I'm home.

Obviously, my behavior needs to change. And that begins in my heart and mind. I need to think differently so that I begin to act differently. So I'm asking the Lord to come in and change my mind, to continue to reveal the areas where I've been wrong, to help me become more like Him.

Thanks for listening.