Thursday, February 2, 2012

Pardon My Frankness

I’m gonna be really honest here: this week has been long and hard and funk-y. Not funky in a fun, musical, stuff’s happening kind of way, but in a I’m-in-a-funk kind of way. And I don’t know what’s up.

Sleep deprivation might be one culprit. It’s college- since when is there enough sleep???

Stress might be another. HELLOOOOO, capstone class and scary prof! Yikes. This guy needs to find something more entertaining than scaring the bejeebers out of his students.

Deep thoughts is the culprit I’m thinking is the most to blame these days. Lately, I've been contemplating the future. And not in the “gee, I wonder what I’ll be when I grow up” way, but in the “how has God called me to change the world and holy crap is that even possible?!!?!?!?” way. And there’s the “Lord, I’m scared spitless that I’m not gonna be able to handle everything You throw at me, and I’m scared that I won’t know how to lean on You and that everything I knew but didn't practice is going to come back and bite me and that I’ll fail all Your plans and lives will be ruined” conversation running in my mind. And the “what the hell am I going to do?” question that keeps circling my brain. And the “am I guarding my heart and trusting the Lord and making decisions that I’m going to be proud to tell a man someday?” monologue is constantly nagging at me.

Ugh. I’m so tempted to just go there, to spill my thoughts and pour it allllllll out for you to read… but I hesitate. Do I pour it all out and let everyone in? Is that being vulnerable (a good thing) or sharing my heart too much (a bad thing)? Where’s the line? This isn't my journal or my time with Jesus, but like so many other bloggers, I want to be real and honest about my struggles on this journey of Life.

Right now, I’m choosing bed and a dialogue with Jesus. Someday I’ll share, when Jesus has spoken His words of direction. I don’t want to lay it ALL out there in a mess, but what part of real life isn't messy? Ok, there we go. I’m realizing that real life is messy, that my friendships and experiences and hopes and dreams are real, and that I can’t change what has happened or what I’ll remember… LIFE is happening right now, and I’m afraid that I’m missing something, or that I will miss something, and that I won’t ever be able to capture it again, because once the moment is gone, that part of life is gone. Sometimes I think life is like waiting for Christmas… the fun is in anticipation; the actual day doesn't seem that amazing to me. There’s nothing different about it, nothing really special about what we do that day.

And then it hits me that right now is the time of leading up to “life” and who knows what it will be like, and then I think, wait, “right now” is also real life, and I should enjoy this too because it will never happen again either, and then I wonder, what if life in the future isn't all that it’s cracked up to be? What if… I can’t even articulate my thoughts. It’s not that I’m worried or scared… maybe skeptical? I think of my childhood and adolescent plans for my grown up life, and then I look at where I’m at now, and I look at the lives of my friends, and I think, gosh, life can be mundane. Maybe that’s what I’m worried about {ok, I know I just said I wasn't worried, but I really am}… maybe I’m petrified that life isn't all that exciting and it’s really boring and simple, and the best thing I have to look forward to is talking about potty training my kids and coming up with nicknames for my friends {note: nothing is wrong with these activities! My dear friend is hysterical about them, and I love her to death; however, these are the skeptical, dark thoughts that have been roiling around in my brain and I need to get them out and be honest. The light and joyful side of me loves it! The confused part of me questions it.}.

Maybe I’m scared spitless that I have these visions of how God is going to use me, and then I’ll end up struggling to teach my son how to read or my daughter how to share…

ISN'T THERE MORE!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!??!!??!?!!?!?!? This is what is screaming inside my brain. THERE HAS TO BE MORE! True LIFE must consist of some greater vision, some deeper purpose. I can’t stand the thought of living day in and day out without something to look forward to!

Is this where the truth of Scripture comes in and the proverb “without vision a people perish” comes to mind? Thank You, Jesus. Even in the midst of my doubts and confusion, I know that He has good things planned for me, and there is hope. There is hope and vision and purpose to life. I don’t have to know it or understand it or even be able to do any of it, but I do get to trust Him, and that is the best and hardest thing ever. Trust and Hope. That’s all there is. Simple and impossible, without Him.

And on that note, beloved readers, I leave you. I apologize for the mind garbage, and I thank you in advance for your prayers. Goodnight.


  1. Thank you for your frankness. If you ever need to talk I am here...I'll even (try) to stay up later. :-)