Not Alone Series: Good Ol' Deal Breakers

Linking up with the faithful Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe!

We have chatted about our deal breakers/non-negotiables before, but how do you keep from letting your standards fall? What prevents you from just dating any guy out there? What keeps you going?

Can we get real for this post? How many of us make this face when a TDH walks in?

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Like, wowza. I would totally make that face if Benedict was in my vicinity, lezbihonest. 

But hold the phone - does that TDH love Jesus? Because no matter how cute he is, cuteness is not going to sustain a relationship for any amount of time. And neither does niceness or money or sweet wheels or a rocking job or a vacation home in Spain. Jesus is the best foundation for any relationship, and really the only One upon which I want to build a marriage. 

My list of deal breakers is pretty short, and so is my list of keeping up standards. It's all pretty simple, really. 

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What about you? Join the conversation and the link-up over at Jen's. 

Decisions, Decisions

Life is full of decisions. As Jen from Conversion Diary points out {check out Lesson 5}, sometimes we need a break from making decisions. Unfortunately, I'm not in a season where break-taking is an option. The past several days felt like this:

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Which doula certification program do I choose? Which doula book should I read next? When should I start the next course? Should I start babysitting more so I can more quickly afford the doula workshop?

Where should I work while I'm getting certified? Do I stay in my current industry or switch? Who is going to be my new flatmate, since Samara is off on a new adventure? Do I stay in this area or move? 

When am I going to do laundry? How often does the floor need vacuumed? Is it time to run the dishwasher yet? How many times in a row can I have cereal for dinner!?

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Things have gotten a little crazy in my head, as evidenced by the slew of questions that are taking way more brain power than necessary. Last night, the only decision I wanted to make was "Can I finish another episode of 'The Office' before I have to leave?" 

I'm feeling better today. The decisions are still looming, but the stress level has decreased. I don't know if it was crying {check} or talking with Samara {check} and AJ {check} or simply a good night's sleep {um, not check}, but things are looking better today. God is in control. He already knows my life's story, so I'm going to keep clinging to Him and asking Him for direction.  

Adventure!

On Friday, I alluded to a new direction that I'm pursuing. Sorry for all the vagueness there... I wasn't quite ready to announce it to the internet/world. I still don't know how to transition from "telling you that I'm going to tell you" to "actually telling you." Here goes. Gulp.

I'm going to start the certification process to become a doula!!! 

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I know, I'm excited, too. 

It all started with an email from Laura at A Drop in the Ocean. She sent me the link to DONA International, which is the standard of doula certification. I looked at the requirements and thought, I could do this. I tried to dismiss the thought, but I couldn't! So I began to wonder if this was a subtle hint.

A couple weeks later, the conversation and lightbulb moment happened. Samara was relaying to a friend how people tell her "you just light up" when discussing one of her passions, and I was in the corner de-fuzzing my clothes and wondering what on earth made me "light up" and then it hit me: birth makes me light up. 

{True confession: when I'm bored, I go to Camp Patton's birth story link-up and read birth stories.}

So when Samara and Cami and I made our way down to the Oregon coast for an extended Memorial Day weekend, and we just so happened to stop in Portland a) for some yummy breakfast and b) for the mother of all used bookstores, and I just so happened to find my way to the childbirth section within 3 minutes of entering the store {seriously, less than 3 minutes!}, I figured that maybe this "subtle" hint was more like "a neon-lit sign with a marching band" hint. 

And I also figured that  purchasing one book on the subject should be thought of as an investment. I joyfully, gleefully purchased Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth. 

{True confession: I finished the first third of the book that same day.}

Yesterday, I was home alone for the afternoon, and I decided that I should finally watch some videos, because reading can only take you so far, especially when you *cough* have a history of *cough* fainting. Previously in my life, AJ showed me the documentary "The Business of Being Born" and I made it through that one alright. But that was a few years ago, and now I needed to know what all I could visually handle. So yesterday, I watched the first episode of "The Midwives" AND the first episode of "One Born Every Minute." And I didn't faint. I didn't feel woozy. I didn't get dizzy. I didn't see spots. I'm amazed, actually. 

The responses I've received from telling people have been incredible. So many people have encouraged me in this, from "You'd be great at that!" to "Wow, that's really cool." One of my concerns was that I wouldn't be completely qualified since, um, you know, I've never had a baby. But person after person encouraged me that it wouldn't matter and that actually it's easier when you don't have kids because of the crazy "schedule." 

So that's where I'm at. I'm thrilled and nervous and excited and scared and incredulous and awed and delighted. I'm at the very beginning of this journey, and my plans are to keep this little bloggy-blog updated as my journey progresses. I'll be posting useful links, book reviews, and general thoughts as I go, so stay tuned!

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Learning About Blood and Spider Guts and Squishes

Linking up with Emily from Chatting At the Sky for this "educational" post. Ha.

I learned that there is a reason for the rule about washing new jeans before you wear them. Specifically, this is a rule of thumb if you typically rest your thumb on your legs while you work. Whatever color your jeans are, so also shall be that thumb.

I learned a new vocabulary word: squish. Not like Dory's Squishy, but squish the noun. Here, look, proof:

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I learned that opening cans is dangerous, even if they have a deceptively easy handle to remove the lid. On Sunday before Memorial Day, I was cooking mexican lasagna for the next day, and when I opened the can of corn, the lid sliced into my pinky. Ew ew ew. I didn't faint, but I definitely felt woozy and light-headed, so my sister came over and after we determined that it had been bleeding for an hour, we went to Urgent Care. NO STITCHES! Praise God! I'm still wearing a band-aid, but I'd wear a band-aid for three weeks if it meant no stitches. 

After overhearing my bestie's skype conversation, I learned/had a revelation/lightbulb turned on/heavens opened up to reveal that I actually want to pursue something verrrrry different than what I had thought. 

After telling some friends and hearing their overwhelming "Bek, absolutely you can do that!" responses {thanks, everyone!}, I learned that this is what Eleanor Roosevelt meant when she said: "Do one thing every day that scares you." 

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Finally, I learned that a vacuum is the best tool ever in terms of spider killing. If you know my history with spiders, you know that of my little flat, it is my flatmate who kills spiders, not I. But last night she was out, and there was a spider on my ceiling, and I didn't want to go to Zumba and come back and not know where it went, so I got my vacuum and sucked it up {literally - ha!}. Clean ceiling {not like that was a problem before}, dead spider, and peace while at Zumba = win win win. 

That's all, folks! See ya next month for some more learning. 

NAS: Religious Life

Linking up with Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe!

While most of us feel called to marriage, it is important to see the beauty in all vocations! If/when you were discerning religious life, which communities interest{ed} you? What do you see as the positives of that vocation?

Tempted to pull out the Protestant card for 200, but I'm going to hunker down and respond to this prompt as best as I can because we've all had The Question strike: what if I stay single to infinity and beyond???

When I was a kid, this question didn't really bother me; in fact, I don't think I ever asked myself this question. In my mind, I knew I was going to grow up, get married, have a daughter named Jessie and a collie named Lassie, and teach ballet lessons. Done and done.

Except not.

When I was in high school, The Question started whispering to me, especially in youth group. So many times I got the impression that God wouldn't let me get married until I was completely happy staying single for the rest of my life. And that scared the living daylights out of me, because I wanted to get married and didn't want to stay single, and if God knows my innermost thoughts, He'd know if I was faking happiness. So obviously I was doomed to be single.

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Some of these ideas stayed with me through college, but part of me realized that relationships, not just marriage, take a lot of work and that college wasn't the right time for me to jump on that train. So I learned to be really content by myself, and to rejoice with my friends, even when the diamonds on their hands sparkled more than the diamonds on mine {because diamonds from your parents are guaranteed to have less sparkle than one from a TDH, especially when all your friends are paying attention}. But with my awesome roomie and wonderful friends, I was able to shush The Question for the time.

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And now I've been out of school for 2 years and life is whirring at 75 mph and God is taking me all different directions and when I catch my breath and The Question catches me, I usually have an answer. If I stay single to infinity and beyond, it will be okay. I will probably just keep doing what I'm doing, working, volunteering, being with friends and family and church family, watching "The Office" and reading lots of books, cooking new foods, making blogging friends {like you, readers!}, and loving Jesus. My life won't end if my marriage never starts, and I think that's the answer to the untwisted version of The Question that has been chasing me all these years.

The Question may sneak around some more, but instead of listening to it, I'm going to keep living life with Jesus. To infinity and beyond.

Not Alone Series: Deal Breakers

Linking up with Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe.

{Before we jump into this week's prompt, give me two seconds to toot my own horn. Today I wrote a guest post for Victoria's blog. Care to read something short and humorous? {And I'm not just saying that - it really is both short and humorous, like me!} Head her way!}

We have all thought about our list of qualities for a future spouse {or maybe religious community}, but those things can be pretty limiting on who God has planned for you. Instead, think about the few things that are so important to you that if a guy you were considering dating {or a community you were entering} didn't have these things, you would have to move on. Why are these things important to you?

Alright, you caught me. I have a list. It's a list that I made several times during my angsty and anxious teens, and then a couple more times as a wise {cough} college freshman. And since that time, I've not really looked at it. I know what's on it. God knows what's on it. These character traits that I seek in a husband are really beyond my control, so I don't worry about them. God know what I need even better than that list does, and I'd definitely rather have God bring the man He has for me than someone who can check off everything on the list.

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That being said, there are a few things that Mr. TDH needs to have going on before he's considered.  My pastor called these non-negotiables, and that's how I think of them. There are the traits that are absolutely non-negotiable and there are things that are negotiable. Because I don't know where God is going to lead me/us, I don't want to limit Him with my lists. The things on my list are important, but trusting God is more important, and the most important item on my list is a relationship with Jesus. No close relationship with Jesus = no close relationship with Bek.

A group of gals went through the book Lady In Waiting last summer, and while the book was cheesy {SO cheesy!}, some great discussions came from it, and our fearless and lovely leader encouraged us to ask ourselves how we are preparing to be excellent wives. Am I learning skills and character qualities that my TDH will be looking for, or am I just focusing on what I want in him? That's a convicting thought, and something I pray about regularly.

That's all, folks! Thanks for reading, and be sure to show our hostesses some link-up love.

Not Alone Series: What I Know Now

Linking up with Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe for the Not Alone Series!

What would you tell your former self about being single if you had the chance? What have you learned that you wish you could tell your younger self?

To make things consistent, I'm just going to pick an age and address my younger self at that age. 19-year-old Bek, here's what I wish you knew:

I wish you knew that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that not just any guy {as my dad would say, "we don't want someone just converting oxygen into carbon dioxide!"} is worth your time, effort, or thoughts. There will be guys who are cute, guys who are kind, guys who love Jesus, and guys who convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. You are worth more. Enjoy being friends with guys, but hold your horses and wait for God's best.

I wish you knew that you can be honest with your girl friends. You're all fighting similar battles, and it makes life so much easier knowing that you're all on the same side and rooting for each other. Get vulnerable, be honest, and encourage one another in your journeys. You're going to have to ignore both your comfort zone and the "judge a book by its cover" thing you've got going on in order to meet and make some quality friends, but they are worth it.

I wish you knew that while your body changes size, your character remains constant. Yes, take care of your body: go to Zumba classes and limit your ice cream intake. But also take care of your soul: spend time with friends who build you up, read books that teach you about others and about yourself, and don't take yourself too seriously. Be fun while you get things done, and remember that relationships with people are far more important than completing a to-do list.

I wish you knew that while Kentucky may not be the most obvious or even logical choice, it really is the perfect place for you, and you're going to make lifelong friends at school and at church. While it hurts to leave home for 2 infinitely long years, it hurts even more leaving Kentucky. And that's good, because it means you fully gave your heart to your new family, that you invested and sowed and built relationships, and you will see them again. Trust me. Many times, though it's never enough times.

I wish you knew that if a guy doesn't pursue you properly, he isn't worth it. And if he does pursue you the right way, it still may not work out, and that's not a poor reflection on either of you. Remember Pastor Trout's words: the right person in the right way at the right time. I'm still believing that God's story is going to be more amazing than whatever I can imagine.

Focus

Call me whatever you want to call me, but I love traditions. Traditions remind me of the things that have value, because if something doesn't have value, it won't {or shouldn't} last very long.

Maybe this doesn't count as a tradition, but in some ways it feels like one, so here goes. For the past several years, my church has set aside the first full week in January as a week for prayer and fasting. This year things have been adjusted and we're fasting and praying Tuesday through Saturday instead of the whole week, but I think the different length will help/is helping us to go deeper. It's a brief drilling down deep, instead of an extended trough.

This month {ha, all seven days of it!} there are a few big things I'm praying about and asking God for revelation, and I'm really grateful for this short intense time of prayer and fasting. I think some great breakthroughs are coming, and I'm excited to see God move!

The Lord has already given me a theme for this year, but He's also emphasizing a different theme for each day of fasting and praying, too. This thrills me, because I find it's so much easier to pray specific, targeted prayers. Which, ironically or not, is tied to today's theme. Today, the theme is focus.

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Today I'm focusing my prayers on:

• the next step in life
• goals {10 years, 5 years, 1 year}
• growth, healing, reconciliation in my church body

Hopefully I'll get my life together and share the next 4 themes with you this week. That would be something, to look back at the end of 2014 and say "Here is the specific fruit of these specific prayers!" I'm looking forward to that :)

31 Days of Writing: Day Twenty-eight "Pursue an Idea"

Did you stumble upon any interesting ideas through the past 27 prompts? If so, use this day to pursue one of them.

The month of October is almost over- yikes! I really can't believe that this 31 Days segment is almost over. I've really enjoyed getting into the creative side of writing, although I have missed the heart-to-heart "conversations" that are non-fiction {otherwise known as story of my life}.

Have I found some interesting ideas? Yes, actually, but not all of them are plot-related. Some of the most interesting ideas have been about me as a writer, which is kind of weird, since I never considered myself to be a writer. But this month God totally used the 31 Days and a new writing guild within my church to say, "Hey, I've put words in you and it's time to prepare for them to come out!"

Not exactly what I was expecting to happen, I'll be honest. But who expects the things that God does? :)

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So I sort of alluded to some of this process on Day Ten, and then when this writing guild {nicknamed "The Boot"} started last Sunday, I realized that things were moving forward. Really moving. And it's exciting and nerve-wracking and thrilling and kinda weird that it's happening. And I will share even more when these 31 Days are over, so just wait! And to answer today's prompt, here's what I'm pursuing currently:

Edna Walters, the character I developed earlier, is going to continue to exist. I have an idea for where she's going and what the conflict and resolution will be, but that's all for right now. And of course I can't tell you now, because "spoilers!" :)

Open Letters {first; second}: I want to write one at least once a month. These are creative ways to express thoughts, and I want to keep the creative juices flowing!

Victoria mentioned continuing to write poetry, and while I think that would be great, I just don't know if that's going to happen for me. Poetry is not my default thinking pattern, but if there's a prompt and a challenge, I may just rise to the occasion. We'll see :)

That's what I'm pursuing! Until next time...

**linking up with Victoria**

31 Days of Writing: Day Ten "In Progress"

Are you working on any writing projects? Refine and share a few ideas from that! {If not, sketch out some ideas for an upcoming project.}

Just as Victoria felt the need to clarify fact or fiction in this post, I must do the same. This is Bek here; no imaginary characters today.

To answer the prompt, no, currently I'm not working on any writing project. This blog is about as writer-esque as I get. But I think that's changing.

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My sister is going to school right now to become a writer. She has started so many stories, both in her head and on paper, that I can't understand how she keeps track of them. She's brilliant, of course, and knows that God has called her to write. She may start with editing and/or publishing, because she's great at that too, and because it provides a more regular income at first, but eventually she will publish her own creations.

I've never imagined myself as a writer. Good with words? Yes. Strong voice in writing? Yes. Good story-teller? Sure. But writer? Writer-downer of those stories or ideas? That would be the afore-mentioned sister's department, thanks. I'll proof it for ya, though!

But I think that's changing.

When I was 11 or 12, I wrote my first full, finished story. I have it in a box somewhere, 5 double-sided pages of handwritten scrawl. I can't even remember the main character's name, but the story is complete.

Yesterday, my mom and I were talking about a new writers' group that's starting up at church. My mom gave me some feedback and vision, if you will, regarding my future and writing. Or more accurately, my future in writing. My writing future.

I'm not ready to share all of this yet {sorry, Victoria!}. This is where Bek turns into an introvert and needs to process things before she shares them. I may have to attend the writing group before I feel free to share more, and since that meets in another week, we'll just have to wait and see.


**linking up with Victoria. Join us!**

Sunday's Ponderings

First of all, sorry for the one post last week. Sometimes two posts feels overwhelming, which is bad, because it shouldn't be. But it was a busy week, and we're going for flexibility, and if you have a problem with that, then you should probably find a different blog to read.

Yep, it's going to be one of those nights.

As you know, I'm looking for a condo or townhouse to buy so my bestie and I can feel like real grown-ups. I went to two open houses this weekend, and while there are some great places out there, so much depends on my budget, which right now is limiting.

So I'm contemplating ways to make some extra dough, and I'm also considering what my dad told me: people who are really successful do things that other people don't consider doing or aren't willing to do. He gave the example that the garbage man is usually the richest man in town because he does what no one else wants to do. So he encouraged me to find something that I'm passionate about and make that into my job. Do something that others won't do or aren't willing to do so that I can live in a way that others can't.

It makes sense. Dad bought a gas station when he was two years younger than I am. Dad is a risk-taker and a man of reason and faith, and he calls it like it is. He's very black and white. I am too, but probably not to the same degree. So I feel stuck, because I want to do something unusual and out there and something that I'm passionate about and that I can make a living off of and that I can pursue and all that, but I don't know what that something is.

I want to work more with people than with a computer.
I want to work with a purpose.
I want to use my gifts and talents that God has given me.
I want to do something that hopefully I could continue once I have kids.
I want to tangibly advance the Kingdom of God.

Any ideas?

Hey, I'm Alive

So, sorry for dropping off the grid there, folks! I ride two airplanes and suddenly can't put my thoughts in order. Sheesh.

Actually, the airplanes are not to blame. I got home safe and sound, and so did my luggage. That night I stayed up really late with my two at-home sisters, and we laughed A LOT and talked about boys and sister stuff like that, and then we finally went to bed and thank God that we were all on break!

Wednesday, I seriously rocked. I unpacked all four suitcases into my new room {as in, my room was moved to another room without my presence, and then my sis on Spring Break crashed in there, and it was chaos...actually, it still is; it's just shut-up-in-drawers chaos now.}. Like a boss.

Thursday, #bestierunion!!!!! Totes fun. We talked about Doctor Who and sexuality and passion and oh yeah our future place together. You know you're best friends when...you talk about all of that during a 30 minute lunch period. Yup.

Also, my grandma moved in with us. We had the MCs come and help us load things in the truck and drive the mile down the road and then unload. We got it all done in just a few hours, which was nice. Grandma's been getting settled pretty well, and I think it's all going to work out for us.

I started work this past Monday. It's been fun. I'm learning a lot, mainly that getting up before 6am is NOT my favorite thing, but oh wait, I already knew that. :-p But seriously, it's been great. I've also been getting my name out there for some tutoring and babysitting jobs, and I have an interview for a receptionist position tomorrow, so hopefully I can start making bank and get a place sooner. Apparently the old saying "Cash is king" applies to the housing market too. So if you think of it, please pray that I find the perfect position{s}.

In other news, I'm really looking forward to sharing tomorrow's Funny Friday, because it's a doozy. AJ, you know what I'm talking about. Heck to the yeah.

Alright, peeps, I hope that I've convinced you that my heart still beats. Peace out til tomorrow!

Comfort Zone

The company that I'm interning for is really focused on leadership, both personal leadership and business leadership. The owner is a great, godly man who is dedicated to growing leaders, and he has done hundreds and thousands of webinars, seminars, speeches, blog posts, newsletters, emails, and more all about developing leaders and growing people. He's fabulous.

So my task this week has been to go through and create a catalog of all the videos we have, and -you guessed it- the vast majority of them are of our owner speaking about leadership.

So I ponder...

In my Business 101 class {waaaay back during freshman year}, I learned that there are basically three specialties of business people:

1. People who start businesses {usually start, get it going, sell after a few years and move on to start something else}
2. People who run businesses {these are the people who buy the existing business & run with it}
3. People who rescue businesses from extinction 

My Business 101 class discussed this, and my teacher pointed out how rare it is for one person to have all three abilities, and that's what made Steve Jobs so amazing-he did all three.

I remember talking with my mom after that class and saying "You and Dad have told me I would own my own business, and I guess I always thought that meant I had to start it, but now I think that I would be good at running it without starting it!" Light bulb!

fast forward to now

The owner of this company is a true visionary. He has so many ideas, and he is always looking forward. He sees things way down the road and then sees where the end will end and then starts to make a new road. It is amazing.

It is not easy or natural for me to look that far down the road. Well, sometimes I try to convince God to let me plan out my whole life, but He just chuckles at me. But when I think about where I want to be in 20 years, I have a few ideas, but that's it. I think part of that is the learn-to-trust-God thing.
It feels like I see dots out in my future, but I don't know how they're all connected. There are many locations around the world that have my heart, and I don't know how God is going to use it all.

But let's get back to the business aspect. L and I have talked about this, and neither of us want to be THE person responsible for a whole organization. I would love to be in charge of something {can't help it- firstborn, administrator, management major}  but I want to answer to someone. I want someone else to tell me "This is the long term vision" and then I will say "Awesome. Here I go to do it."

But is that what God has called me to? Am I supposed to be THE person responsible for a whole organization?

These are a few things that I know and will hold fast to:

• God made different personalities and there is nothing wrong with having one and not another
• God has called me to do something and bit by bit, He's revealing it to me
• What God calls me to might will probably be uncomfortable
• God's grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness

just some thoughts...

Questions

Lately I've been questioning my character. Internally, my thoughts turn to am I good enough? and do I obey God fully? and how do I make changes that last and re-do habits that are bad and how do I make myself obey God and live life fully?

These are questions that have no answers. I’m feeling desperate, like I've been held under water and my lungs are burning for oxygen. My life has been good so far, in terms of my behavior. It’s hard to explain what I feel and think. There are things that I know I should be doing, but instead I do the opposite. There are things I know I should stop doing, but instead I keep on doing them. What’s the verse where Paul basically describes my struggle? I know there’s one out there.

Going to start this internship and live with my grandparents could be a new start, but I’m discouraged and keep thinking that things will be just the same. My inside is not changing; only my environment will be different, so why would that motivate change? I guess there’s the hope of forming new habits as I form a new normal out there, but the negative voice in my head keeps discouraging me.

What do I do?

Hesitating

Some of you may know that I was praying about going to DC to work with Bound4Life and pray to end abortion. Well, I emailed several times with a gal there, and basically they are cementing their full-time staff this year and are praying about starting an internship of sorts in the next few years. This means that right now, they don’t have a place for me. But when I mentioned to the gal that I’m interested in writing for their blog, she told me to write a post and send it, and we’ll see from there.

I've been hesitating to write a blog post for them, and although I tell myself it’s because I’m waiting to articulate my thoughts on a topic that hasn't been recently written about, it’s really because I’m scared to write something and send it to them. I don’t even know if I’m scared of being rejected; I think it’s more scared of putting myself out there. Which is ridiculous, if you know me, because I’m pretty out there. Maybe it’s because I won’t be there to “defend” my work, or because you guys know my voice and are like, “yeah that’s totes what Bek sounds like” but these guys won’t know what I sound like and might think “this chick is a nut case!”

So what do I do? I feel like I should write something, and I have the ideas of a post swirling…
I was going to end that sentence with “fear is holding me back” but that’s not true. As this cool p.interest picture says, fear is a liar.

So I’m going to write a post, and send it in, and I’ll let you know how it goes. Shoot, I might even post it here and let you all comment on it before I send it in. But I think admitting that I’m afraid and then realizing that I have no reason to be afraid {and realizing how stupid my fears are!} has made me determined to write something. It doesn't have to be a freaking 25 page expose. It just needs to be me writing from my heart and my passion, and not being afraid to share it. Bam. Watch out, world!

It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Well, yesterday felt pretty dark, eh? True that. But you know what? God is still good, and He’s still the One in control, so why fret? {ps I think that “fret” is probably one of my favorite words to use.}

I found this lovely image yesterday and it is now my desktop.



It’s from the Kim Walker song {called I Surrender –shocking, ain’t it} off the album Here Is My Song. Check it out. It’s amazing. In fact, it’s so amazing that I’ll include a link to the youtube version. Be sure to check out the Spontaneous Song that goes with this one… more incredible, if that’s even possible.

So, in terms of life and stuff….

I’ve emailed some people at Bound4Life & JHOP-DC, and am waiting to hear back from them. Ironically, or not, the #shereadstruth for today was about Psalm 27 and waiting on the Lord. Why yes, that does seem to be a theme for me! God is so cool and funny and witty, even. Go, God!

Another happy note: I have a phone date with AJ!!!!!!!! Woot woot! I was so excited when I woke up this morning, and I get to talk to her in less than an hour! With the time difference, we had to coordinate around nap time and my work time, but we’re gonna do it and talk on the phone, but for realz!!! Ah. So excited.
Because of that phone call, I need to get dressed. No, she won’t be able to see me when we talk, but I have to leave for work right after our conversation, so I need to get ready now. Capice? Good. Peace out!

What a Week

Thank God for those brief respites where you can sit back and think, a heck of a lot just happened in {however many days} and I’m just gonna sit her for a second…

As you know, I went on a road trip with my bestie last weekend. Then on Tuesday, another friend and I left for Orlando. It was a red-eye flight, but something made it better- at our layover, we got to see a friend! He’s in the Army and was on his way home! It was sooooo good to see him; I had been bummed that we were missing him by a day. But God is good, and we got to hang out for almost an hour while we waited for our connections. Thank You Jesus for surprise encounters!

So I just got back from Florida Monday night (as in, Tuesday morning) and yesterday went to work. For an hour. Then I came home and took a nap. :)

Some of you may know that I was working on my application for a job in Wash. D.C. Well, I found out yesterday that the position has been filled. Yup. No job there. So my dad and I were talking about it, and I started crying and I was like, Dad, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore!  And Dad, being the wise, amazing dad that he is, said, you miss the structure of school. That’s all. You’ll get into the structure of home pretty soon. That was reassuring, a bit. But at the same time, I’m still disappointed that the position filled before I even had a chance. And then I’m mad at myself, because my original goal was to apply by the end of June, and I wonder if I had actually done that if I would have had a chance. But oh well. Those are “what-ifs” and I try not to play that game any more.

Yesterday, in my depression and upset-ed-ness, I kept thinking, I want to move back to my Other Home!!! and while part of that is true, I know that it’s really just me wanting to run away from tough situations here, and that moving is not for right now. But friends in my Other Home, know that I miss you all like craaaaazy and am praying about the right time to come back. Because oh yeah, that internship nearby? Not a guarantee. And I’m the type of person who likes to write things on my Life Calendar in permanent marker, not pencil, so hearing that was like, really? is nothing for sure??? And that makes me nervous and frustrated, and sad, because I don’t know when I’m going to see my Other Families again, and I’d love to curl up into a ball right now and sob my eyes out. But I have to go to work today, so I shouldn't. But you understand, I’m sure. Everyone’s been here, or is going to be here in this position, so I know I’m not alone.

Thank You Jesus for my parents and their wisdom.

Well, I don’t really have a strong conclusion to this post. Pray for me if you think of it, please. I appreciate it.
Hopefully I’ll have news by the next post. 

It’s that time…

Time of the day? Time of the week? Of my life?
Whatever.
The time has come for me to stop pinning things on Pinterest and actually do something from that lovely {addicting}, inspiring {addicting}, and fantastical {-ly addicting} website.

Side note: I will try and put in the pictures with a link so you don’t have to guess at what I want to do, and if you don’t want to go to the websites, you don’t have to and you can still be in the loop. I know. You love me. And you love being in the loop. You’re welcome.

Item 1: this mug! You can find the instructions right over here.


Item 2: I want to put this quote {from the fabulous and ever-wise Pooh Bear}

on a mirror like this:

You can find the instructions for the mirror at this very spot.

Item 3: I’m trying to convince my sister to share her button collection so I can make these bobby pins.

Hopefully you can figure out how I’ll be making those… the first step is my sister.

For my “someday”, I want to make the following signs:

                                                           credit

           credit

                           and finally,

                      credit

Oh wait. That wasn’t the last. This is the last.

                             credit
Ok. That is all. Oh. Wait. I lied. Again. Sigh.
My bestie and I are going with a group to see a movie tonight. Here is the trailllllller
Ok. That’s the real end. Good bye now. :D

2.5, and other news

If I was writing this yesterday, it would be exactly 2.5 weeks left of classes. Holy canoli batman. Shut up shut up shut up. Really???

Really. It’s getting so close!

And the amazing thing is, all those big scary projects I had to do are getting done. And they’re not so big or scary anymore. My capstone project will be done tomorrow and the presentation is on Tuesday. The political communication paper is doable, and an A in that class is achievable!

So the other evening, I did something a) that I had never done before and b) never planned on doing. gulp.
Any guesses?

NO! Not that! {I don’t have anything in mind, but I bet you got concerned}

Actually, I looked at grad schools. Gasp. I know, I did. It’s awful or wonderful, depending on who you are.
Now, for the record, I’m not looking at going to graduate school just for the sake of continuing my education. For my personal calling, I don’t think that’s the direction the Lord is calling me in. But when I was looking at the organization I would LOVE to work for, the sidebar caught my attention. One of the current employees got her Master’s degree in grassroots marketing. How cool is that!?!?!? So I think that if I ever were to go back to school, if God called me to that because it will be necessary for the future, that’s what I would want to study, if that’s the direction God calls me. Anywho. I was just looking at a couple schools to see if they had any programs like that. I didn’t find any in the geographic area of this organization, and I didn’t find any in the geographic area of where I’m at now (granted, I only looked at like 3 schools total, so don’t go setting this in stone or anything). But yeah. There’s a little update on what’s up.

Well, I said earlier that my capstone project would be done tomorrow. Guess what that means I should do today. Yup. Peace out.

Pardon My Frankness

I’m gonna be really honest here: this week has been long and hard and funk-y. Not funky in a fun, musical, stuff’s happening kind of way, but in a I’m-in-a-funk kind of way. And I don’t know what’s up.

Sleep deprivation might be one culprit. It’s college- since when is there enough sleep???

Stress might be another. HELLOOOOO, capstone class and scary prof! Yikes. This guy needs to find something more entertaining than scaring the bejeebers out of his students.

Deep thoughts is the culprit I’m thinking is the most to blame these days. Lately, I've been contemplating the future. And not in the “gee, I wonder what I’ll be when I grow up” way, but in the “how has God called me to change the world and holy crap is that even possible?!!?!?!?” way. And there’s the “Lord, I’m scared spitless that I’m not gonna be able to handle everything You throw at me, and I’m scared that I won’t know how to lean on You and that everything I knew but didn't practice is going to come back and bite me and that I’ll fail all Your plans and lives will be ruined” conversation running in my mind. And the “what the hell am I going to do?” question that keeps circling my brain. And the “am I guarding my heart and trusting the Lord and making decisions that I’m going to be proud to tell a man someday?” monologue is constantly nagging at me.

Ugh. I’m so tempted to just go there, to spill my thoughts and pour it allllllll out for you to read… but I hesitate. Do I pour it all out and let everyone in? Is that being vulnerable (a good thing) or sharing my heart too much (a bad thing)? Where’s the line? This isn't my journal or my time with Jesus, but like so many other bloggers, I want to be real and honest about my struggles on this journey of Life.

Right now, I’m choosing bed and a dialogue with Jesus. Someday I’ll share, when Jesus has spoken His words of direction. I don’t want to lay it ALL out there in a mess, but what part of real life isn't messy? Ok, there we go. I’m realizing that real life is messy, that my friendships and experiences and hopes and dreams are real, and that I can’t change what has happened or what I’ll remember… LIFE is happening right now, and I’m afraid that I’m missing something, or that I will miss something, and that I won’t ever be able to capture it again, because once the moment is gone, that part of life is gone. Sometimes I think life is like waiting for Christmas… the fun is in anticipation; the actual day doesn't seem that amazing to me. There’s nothing different about it, nothing really special about what we do that day.

And then it hits me that right now is the time of leading up to “life” and who knows what it will be like, and then I think, wait, “right now” is also real life, and I should enjoy this too because it will never happen again either, and then I wonder, what if life in the future isn't all that it’s cracked up to be? What if… I can’t even articulate my thoughts. It’s not that I’m worried or scared… maybe skeptical? I think of my childhood and adolescent plans for my grown up life, and then I look at where I’m at now, and I look at the lives of my friends, and I think, gosh, life can be mundane. Maybe that’s what I’m worried about {ok, I know I just said I wasn't worried, but I really am}… maybe I’m petrified that life isn't all that exciting and it’s really boring and simple, and the best thing I have to look forward to is talking about potty training my kids and coming up with nicknames for my friends {note: nothing is wrong with these activities! My dear friend is hysterical about them, and I love her to death; however, these are the skeptical, dark thoughts that have been roiling around in my brain and I need to get them out and be honest. The light and joyful side of me loves it! The confused part of me questions it.}.

Maybe I’m scared spitless that I have these visions of how God is going to use me, and then I’ll end up struggling to teach my son how to read or my daughter how to share…

ISN'T THERE MORE!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!??!!??!?!!?!?!? This is what is screaming inside my brain. THERE HAS TO BE MORE! True LIFE must consist of some greater vision, some deeper purpose. I can’t stand the thought of living day in and day out without something to look forward to!

Is this where the truth of Scripture comes in and the proverb “without vision a people perish” comes to mind? Thank You, Jesus. Even in the midst of my doubts and confusion, I know that He has good things planned for me, and there is hope. There is hope and vision and purpose to life. I don’t have to know it or understand it or even be able to do any of it, but I do get to trust Him, and that is the best and hardest thing ever. Trust and Hope. That’s all there is. Simple and impossible, without Him.

And on that note, beloved readers, I leave you. I apologize for the mind garbage, and I thank you in advance for your prayers. Goodnight.