31 Days of Something

Throughout the blogosphere, people are starting 31 Days of Writing projects. It's another sign of autumn, right, these 31 days? Get your pumpkin spice latte and write every day for a month.

October 1st sort of snuck up on me this year. I mean, it was a Thursday. Bridesmaid duties had kept me focused on Saturday the 26th, and I wasn't really aware of anything after that date. But here we are, and I'm trying to think of a topic upon which to pour out thoughts for 31 days, and the only cohesive theme that seems to permeate life right now is how everything. is. changing.

And while change is a part of life, this season of change has felt especially difficult to swallow. It is taking me longer to accept new things and reconcile The Way Things Were Before with The Way Things Are Now. This is both a mental and a physical challenge; my weekly schedule is completely different, and I am nothing if not a creature of routine.

I could make a list of all the things in my life that are changing, but I'm afraid that the list would turn into an angry rant about why certain things have changed and why certain things shouldn't change. Mostly I'm afraid that I would write a list and then curl into a sobbing mess on the floor.

Life is so hard sometimes.

There's no neat and tidy way to conclude this; life is difficult especially in the middle of change, and that's where I'm at. I don't have a conclusion or a point to make; I just have my struggles and my confession that I won't be writing every day this month. I will be reading others' struggles, like Micah J. Murray's becoming human series and my dear friend Carla's journey of grieving her stillborn daughter Cora. I will be reading and nodding my head and aching and crying right along with these people, because I am human and I am grieving and life is hard. 

Thoughts on Church

You know how some parts of your life are easy to blog about? Like weekends with friends and reading goals and whatever topic the NAS community chooses.

And then there are the parts of life that are not necessarily more private but are harder to articulate. I think I mentioned once or twice that my church has been going through some changes, but that's it. To anyone who only knows me via la interwebs, that could mean anything. New carpet or new pastor. Because there are people reading this blog who know me and my church, people that I still love and adore, people I do not want to hurt, I've been intentionally vague, smoothing over the ripples on the surface.

But inside my head, under the surface, I feel like a river that's about to break down a dam. I've been swirling around in my thoughts, going back and forth and around and around, wondering if I can stay in the Evangelical/Non-denominational church I've known my whole life, and also wondering if I can leave it.

Before we get too far along, let me give some background. Up until the end of 2013, about 400 people attended my church. This is the church my parents started attending when they first got married. This is the church I was dedicated in as an infant, the church where my chubby baby legs were pinched by the moms of skinny baby boys who grew up to be my friends and classmates. This is the church where I met and played with my best friend when we were in 6th grade.

This is the church into which I was baptized as a 13-year-old. This is the church that had the school that I graduated from at age 18. This is the church with a Master's Commission program that solidified my relationship with Jesus. This is the church I cried for my first several Sundays in Kentucky. This is the church that I happily returned to after the cold winter in Omaha. This is the church that I've always called my home church, with "home" referring to the sense of home I felt at the church.

For the past several months, I've considered myself a part of this church. I've gone to congregation meetings and voted and continued to serve in childcare. I've received emails and replied to them; I've hugged friends when we meet in the foyer, and when other friends asked where I'm going to church, I've quietly and determinedly stated the name of this church.

However, I haven't actually attended a church service at this church for probably four months. Some of the time I was in childcare, hanging out with the tiny people who do not judge {or speak, for that matter}. Some of the time I was at brunch with a friend, reveling in my new-found freedom to not be in church on Sunday morning. And some of the time I was at an Anglican church, weeping through the beauty of a generations-old liturgy.

During these four months, I thought that I hadn't been to a service because of timing or commitments or freedom. I thought that even though things were hard, they would get better and I was a part of making it better. I thought that when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher.

I did not think I would attend my first service in four months and have a panic attack.

My lungs seem to be allergic to Christianese. I was at a training for Care Net when I had my first panic attack. The lady was a lovely woman sharing about her work in adoption ministry, and one of my fellow volunteers asked about "affecting the generational line" and the lady's response was, "we place the children in Christian homes," as if that solved all the problems. My lungs shrunk to about 50% capacity as the words left her mouth.

If I had been able to breathe, I would have asked how her ministry addressed the savior complexes of her adoptive families.

In hindsight, my panic attach at the Care Net training may have been related to the overwhelming, stifling heat in the room. It may have been that I was not prepared for the relatively neutral topic of adoption to contain such a strong sense of righteousness/rightness. It may have been that it was a Monday, and an emotionally exhausting Monday at that. Any of these factors may have made my first panic attack a fluke.

But sitting in the sanctuary of my home church? Not a fluke.

Rachel Held Evans described her relationship with the Evangelical Church as "an ex-boyfriend that she still checks up on via Facebook," and I think I may get to that point someday. Right now, though, my relationship with the Evangelical Church is like learning the older sister I trusted to give me good make-up advice has actually painted my face like a clown, and I've only just seen how I've been walking around my whole life.

I'm sure that somewhere underneath all the abrasive colors, there is some quality make-up, like a great primer or some awesome eyeliner. But in order to find it, I have to remove the face paint. And the wig. And the red nose in the middle of my face. There is much more to this get-up than I ever realized; it affects and covers so much of me.

And my older sister lied to me.

She led me to believe that life was a certain way, that everyone was wearing make-up like this, that if they weren't wearing the make-up, they weren't following God's will.

Writing that now, I think my god, that sounds like a cult.

Personally, yes, there were aspects of my specific church body that were cult-ish. The sources of that influence have been removed, and fresh air is moving through us now.

And on a larger scale, yes, sometimes I think there are aspects of the Evangelical Church that are cult-like. Not everything, and not every little-c-church, but I think there are a few shared characteristics that make the Church....not Christ-like, to be honest.

• the way the Church wants everyone to fit into "traditional" gender roles
• how the Church asks people to change before they come to Jesus, instead of letting people be changed by Him
• the "us versus them" mentality, and the language used to be "in the world but not of it"

And I'm over it. I'm breaking down the dam. I'm ripping off the wig and scraping off the face paint.

This does not mean that I'm burning my bridges. To the contrary, I still feel at home driving into my church parking lot. I love walking into the building, seeing the transformed foyer and welcoming center, and I really love how the Children's Ministry has been completely revamped. I love the people that go to my church. Hell, I still refer to it as "my" church!

But I don't think I can go back into the sanctuary, because it has ceased to be a sanctuary - a place of refuge - for me. And I think that's true of the Evangelical Church at large.

This is a hard realization to grasp, and it's an even harder one to stay grasped.

The optimistic part of me wants so badly to go to my church on Sunday and believe that things will change, that more and more healing will take place and that all my concerns and fears will work out and be resolved.
The part of me that still remembers how hard it was to breathe through the fifteen minutes I was in the service, the part that reads articles about the foundations of Evangelical Church Culture, the part of me that wishes when the going gets tough, the tough could leave.... that part of me realizes that the Evangelical Church has some fundamental {I use this word ironically} flaws and that my continued participation is hurting me more than it is healing the church {or the Church}.

It hurts to be hurt by my church/Church.

I guess this is where Rachel Held Evans got her ex-boyfriend analogy, because while I want to move on, a huge part of me is still intertwined with the Evangelical Church. Its hand and mine are still connected, and most of the time I don't even realize  that I haven't let go. And worse: at times I've let my hand go limp, but the Evangelical Church hasn't let go of me.

I've started going to therapy, because as much as I love and adore my friends and family, I realized that we are all too close, both to each other and to the transition in my church, to be of much help. My therapist is absolutely wonderful, and she's helping me wipe off the make-up, determine my new relationship with my church and the Church, and sort through everything else in the periphery.

I've also started attending an Anglican church, and I wasn't kidding earlier when I said that I cried through a third of the first service I attended. You guys, I felt so refreshed. This church is awesome, and I'm excited to see what God does, both in me and in this body. And I'm also excited for my home church, because I know that God is working there, too. God is big enough to handle transitions and changes and make-up remover and broken dams, and with His help, I can handle them, too.

Hello!

Some days/weeks/months are just busy, ya know? I'm looking at you, Month of April. So while I've got words to say, I've also got work to do... so, yeah.

The main reason I wanted to post a little something today is because April 14th is my Staying Alive Day. 5 years ago, I was hit by a car. Yep. Pedestrian in crosswalk, meet car in road.

It could have been much, much, much worse, and I am so so so grateful for... life. While the experience was horrid and traumatic, and I truly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it makes me more grateful and more aware of the gift of health and life.

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I hope you're having a wonderful day and that you're grateful for it! :)

Currently...

...reading I'll Drink to That: A Life in Style with a Twist by Betty Halbreich & Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen {this is probably my tenth re-read}

...listening to Josh Garrels' "Love and War and the Sea in Between" and Florence + the Machine's "Ceremonials."

...anticipating a fantastic weekend consisting of costumes with the bestie, a sister's birthday celebration, clean sheets, and Zumba.

...excited for the start of "Call the Midwife" on Sunday! So excited to go back to Nonnatus House.

...wanting to go back to Saturday with Samara and Cami and live every moment over again. Such a wonderful, relaxing, encouraging time - love these women!

...enjoying the aloe vera plant I bought on the above-mentioned Saturday. It's just a cute little plant in a little white pot.

...buying birthday presents for a sister, grandmother, mother, and two friends with April birthdays.

...working on reading the last. two. books. on BAI's required reading list - woot!

...hoping that Target carries aloe water - Cami introduced me, and it's so refreshing!

...wearing no nail polish for just a couple of days. My nails look both clean and naked.

...grateful for friends, family, community, and good books. 

What's Shakin', Bacon?

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Ok, this post isn't really about bacon. It's more like a "what's up" post, but hey, the bacon is dancing. No turning back now.  

Last Friday, the young adults' group I'm a part of threw a Thanksmas Party. We combined Thanksgiving and Christmas into one big yummy food, ugly sweaters, fun games, twinkle lights, and uproarious laughter-filled gathering! It was so much fun...and I didn't take one single picture. I think the only thing that was recorded was the Ugly Sweater Runway Show, and I don't even know who has that blackmail material recording. 

After the party ended {at 11:30!!}, I unwound by reading about pregnancy. Yes, this is true. I'm in the midst of two different books right now, which makes both books feel longer. In order to quiet my Type-A-ness that yells "in progress!" at me, I have finished two book reviews for BAI's assignment. Hopefully I'll remember to post those before Christmas... I know you'll be on the edge of your seat till then.

Speaking of the edge, we are almost to the end of 2014! I'm starting a post to review 2014's goals, and I'm excited to remember all that this year brought. 

Thanks for shakin' the bacon with me. Happy Week Before Christmas!

P.S. If you need something to brighten your day, or just want a good excuse to look at Lee Pace, check out this beautiful and hilarious post. You won't regret it, I promise. 

Finish This: Week Fifty

Ohhhh my gosh, people. Two weeks left of 2014. Gulp. Ca-razy!

Counting down the weeks means linking up with our fab hostesses: Jen at The Arizona Russums, Becky at The Java Mama, Lisa at Coastlined, and Nicole at Three 31 - happy birthday, Nicole!

{Hey, with the New Year approaching, I'm joining these awesome bloggers in posting a Year in Review post! This is the mother of all Finish This posts, and I've been prepping for weeks. If you want to join the fun on December 31st, let me know or email Nicole, and we will hook you up!}

Getting older is fantastic. More and more often I find myself thinking, "It's great being an adult!" I am a quarter of a century old, and I think that each year is going to increase in both challenges and triumphs. That's my hope, anyway.

My best kept secret should probably not be published on the internet. Sorry Charlie.
I will follow Nicole's recommendation and share instead 2 "secrets" to my life success. 1) Always wear deodorant. 2) Pick a recipe, master it, make it your signature dish, and laugh away the applause.

My guilty pleasure is reading birth stories. Grace at Camp Patton has theeeee best birth story link-up everrrr and whenever I've got some time {or even when I don't!}, I slink over and find new stories to read. Yes please thank you kindly please here's to you.

My favorite place in the world is wherever my family is all together. Usually that means my parents' kitchen table, and now sometimes it means my living room. In a couple of weeks, it's going to mean an airplane on its way to Omaha - yay for family travels!

There you have it! Next week is all Christmas prompts because Christmas Eve is next Wednesday. Holy Moses. Come join the fun!

Not Alone Series: Help!

Holycowit'sTuesday.Whew! Linking up with Morgan at Follow and Believe and Jen at Jumping in Puddles for this week's Not Alone Series.

What ways do you run to implore the Lord's help when you are struggling? Do you always spend time in Adoration? Do you dive into the Bible? Automatically go to Confession? Could you be better? How? And what about those times when things are good and you are joyous? Do you still give the Lord your time?

Yesterday... Monday from hell, friends. In the office and in my community, it was a horrendous day. Was I asking Jesus for help, wisdom, direction, peace? That would be a hell yes. Was I still frustrated and sad and hurt and angry? Another hell yes.

As much as I would have loved to sit down and pray quietly for several minutes {or days}, that wasn't an option. Work still has to be done, the world still turns, and sometimes your sister's car breaks down and you end up skipping Zumba to give her a ride. As Forrest Gump says about bad things in life, "It happens."

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K now let's be really real. I have lots of room for improvement in the Scripture-reading and praying departments. My default exclamation is four letters long, which is too short for "Praise God!" My first thought when something goes wrong is "ugh," not "Jesus, help me." And when something goes right, it takes far too long for me to remember to thank God. 

Am I getting better? I hope so. Do I have an action plan? That will be one of my goals for 2015, but I am not going to wait 6 weeks to start adjusting my reactions. Help me out here, blogging friends - how do you change your defaults?

Finish This: Week Forty-four

Celebrating/enduring Hump Day with this awesome link-up hosted by Jen at The Arizona Russums, Nicole at Three 31, Lisa at Coastlined, and Becky at The Java Mama.

{Kids} makes me smile because they are hysterical. I love how they are determined either not to wear any clothes or only one specific item of clothing. I love how they mispronounce words. I love how they get excited about anything and everything.

I put my trust in Jesus, friends, and chocolate, in that order.

I don't want to have regrets about not trying something; I'd rather have failed attempts than zero attempts.
As I write this, I'm thinking I say that's what I want, but is that how I live? The answer is: sometimes. I'd rather try and make a new friend than not have any - that's an area of strength. However, I hate failing, so lots of times I won't even try, like a new recipe or new hobby - this is an area of weakness. So... I'm working on living it.

There you have it - check out the link-up for more!

Not Alone Series: Discernment

It's Tuesday again! The link-up party is hosted by the ever-fabulous Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe.

We all agree that discernment is challenging. Figuring out what the Lord is calling you to do with your life can be frustrating and exhausting. But, then add on lack of family support, cultural pressures, and your personal expectations... ugh. And, this isn't just in relation to vocational discernment, but general life discernment, too! How do you keep going? What helps you to push through? How can we encourage one another? What indicators have you experienced that lets you know you're going down the right path?

I think the best way to answer this is to review some Scriptures that talk about God and our plans:

The plans of the heart belong to man, 

but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

Proverbs 16:1

For I know the plans I have for you, 

declares the Lord, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, 

to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

God knows the plan for my life, because, uh, He came up with the plan. So God is directing my steps because He can see the end from the beginning {Revelation 22:13} and I can barely remember what I wore last week. 

So God knows where my life is headed, but how do I know? How do I go about living this life when I don't know where I'm going to end up? 

This question used to bug me... and by "bug me" I really mean keep me up all night worrying about Big Life Decisions. 

I would lie awake for hours thinking about all the things that I could see myself doing and wondering how to cram it all in to one life and wondering what degree I should get so that I could pursue as many career paths as possible and then I thought about meeting a man and naming our kids {at one point, I had a boy name and a girl name starting with every letter of the alphabet... just in case.} and worrying about how I would teach ballet and homeschool my children and travel the world and start an orphanage and live on a horse ranch and and and. On and on it went, and I would get more and more worked up each time I thought about Big Life Decisions.  

Then I got some sleep and realized that God is in control and that there is a very good reason for Him to be able to see beginning to end and for me to not be able to see past next week. I learned that I can trust Him, really truly trust Jesus with my life, and, like Mr. Incredible yells says, "We'll get there when we get there!"

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That was a really roundabout way of getting to this part: when I'm faced with A Big Life Decision, it's ok. I already know that the outcome is going to be good because God is in control. I don't really want to start a free will vs predestination discussion, so I will simply say that I believe God is good, no matter what, and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him {Romans 8:28}.

Shall we get nitty-gritty for just a paragraph? When faced with A Big Life Decision, I pray. I consider my options. I ask my parents, my discipler, my friends {when appropriate}, for their opinions. I wait - no haste on Big Life Decisions! One of the things I specifically pray for is that my parents and discipler and I will all be in agreement, because that is really powerful. 

When I was considering going to Kentucky for the rest of my degree, I prayed that my parents and I would all hear the same answer, and we did and off I went. 

A few months ago, I was praying about a move, and my parents and I did not hear the same thing. I waited a bit longer, and suddenly things changed that made staying the right answer. 

Personally, the most important part of making A Big Life Decision is the peace that comes with an answer. Even when the answer doesn't make sense for there to be peace, like moving across the country to go to a random little school filled with Southern strangers, I was completely at peace in the way only Christ can provide. Sure, I was nervous as hell, but deeper, there was peace that surpassed understanding {Philippians 4:7}.

Whew, this is way longer than I anticipated. Like, way longer. If you are still reading, way to go! How do you discern God's will for your life? Join the conversation!

Currently...

...listening to Imogen Heap's album Ellipse and loving basically every track.

...reading This Star Won't Go Out by Esther Grace Earl and her parents. Esther battled cancer for several years, was active in the Nerdfighter community, and wrote pages and pages in her journals. After she passed away in 2010, her parents published her journals, along with other stories and notes from friends and family. While The Fault In Our Stars is not written about Esther, John Green dedicated it to her and was inspired - in more ways than just his book - by Esther. 

TSWGO organization

...watching "Doctor Who" Season 8, Episode 3 tonight with Samara! I'm excited to see the interaction between Clara and Robin Hood :) And before tonight's episode, I will probably watch at least one episode of "Wonderfalls," a quirky one-season show with Lee Pace. Yes, I'm obsessed, but how can I not be?

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...working on a DIY project for a table lamp. I'm excited to share the finished product soon :)

...drinking lots of water. Feeling slightly dehydrated and I want to nip that in the bud. 

...wondering if I should have taken my sister up on her invitation to go to Wild Waves for one of the last nice days of the summer. She called this morning and I opted out - does that make me old?? Probably, but at least I own it, right?

...anticipating some packages in the mail. I ordered some clothing from Amazon and some sheets from Macys yesterday {thanks be unto whoever invented online shopping}, and both orders should be in here in a week-ish. {I think the fact that I'm excited for new sheets is confirmation that I'm old.}

...looking forward to a friend's birthday celebration tomorrow. Brunch, relaxation, and picnics in the park are all on the docket, and I'm thinking about making some sangria :)

...thinking that I should exercise and shower in order to fully appreciate this wonderful weekend.

Linking up with Bailey Jean today for Day Six of her Blog-tember challenge. Thanks for the prompt, Bailey!

Finish This: Week Thirty-one

Linking up with Nicole at Three 31, Jen at The Arizona Russums, Becky at The Java Mama, and Lisa at Coastlined. Join the fun on their link-up!

If I went back to school, I would study entrepreneurship or more consumer behavior. I think the psychology behind decisions is really fascinating, even though I only took one Psych class during my college career. The Consumer Behavior class I took was awesome, and I'd love to get into that more. 

My favorite subject in school literature. Junior and senior years were classical and British literature, respectively, and I had so much fun in those classes. AP English was also one of my favorite classes, because we read Shakespeare aloud and interviewed experts about their definitions of literature. 

I also enjoyed algebra, history, and Rhetoric II {Rhetoric I was painful, but the second year was much more fun and applicable}. 

I wish I had paid more attention to the activities I really enjoyed, instead of focusing on the things I'd limited myself to because I was afraid. 

The dumbest thing I did in high school was convince my history group that we could do our presentation on Alexander the Great using puppets. While our presentation was amusing, it was also immature and ill-prepared. Oops.

In high school, I thought I knew the direction life would take me. Ha! When I graduated from high school, I wanted to be a physical therapist and use ballet for therapy. When I started college, I took one look at how many science classes PT would take, and I cried. Then I changed my major to business, transferred to a school in Kentucky, and am looking at a completely different career than I had planned. I couldn't have imagined all this in high school, and it would have scared the crap out of me if I could. Thank God He only gives us what we can handle!

Thanks for joining! If you want to Finish This, answer the prompts in the comments or add your link to the party. See you next week :) 

On Being An Adult

You guys, life is hard. Being an adult is hard.

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Being an adult is hard. I mean, it's fun and awesome and there are definitely perks, but man. It can be rough, too. The month of June {thus far - there are 2 more days left} has been really, really hard. Tough. Difficult. Challenging. Like, pretty sure life used this template:

X all the Y

I'm not skilled sure how to make/edit a meme, but here's what mine would say.

MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS!

SPEND ALL THE MONEY {on medical bills and procedures and ER bills and haven't I reached my deductible yet?!?!?!!?}

CARRY ALL THE STRESS!

ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS OF LIFE!!!

So yeah. Totes supes fun. 

I don't think I can share all the details of this challenging time, a) because it's really personal and b) because it's late and I want to sleep and c) because typing it all out will make it all seem {more} overwhelming. Overwhelming is not what I need, want, or desire. Overwhelming means that I'm not fully trusting God, and that's not where I want to be. I am trying to trust and to listen, and I know that when He answers, I'll obey and it will all work out. But right now I feel bogged down by the logistics of every. single. decision. that must be made, and it's like my spiritual ears are clogged with worry. 

I don't want to not hear God because I'm worrying about what He's saying. I don't want to miss His leading because I'm freaking out over where He's taking me. 

Friends, if you would take a moment and pray for me, I would be most grateful. You can pray for peace, for clarity, for direction, for babysitting jobs to come through, and for God's will to be done. Thank you. 

Finish This: Week Twenty-five on the Twenty-fifth!

Linking up with the super talented and oh-so-generous hostesses: Nicole at Three 31, Jen at The Arizona Russums, Becky at The Java Mama, and Lisa at Coastlined. These wonderful ladies are giving away $25 gift cards {see all the 25s!} to four participants of today's link-up. What are you waiting for!? Jump on this link-up train!

I have a quarter to use a pay phone. I call either my mom, dad, or sister, depending on the situation. If I'm lost, I'll call Dad. If I'm shopping, I'll call Mom {I don't know why I'd interrupt shopping to use a pay phone, but we relish the hypothetical here, don't we}. And if I'm in trouble that I don't want my parents to know about, I'll call my sister. I'd try to call my bestie, but I only have her home phone number memorized {yep, we've been friends that long} and like most families I know who live in this century, their home phone has been disconnected for a while.

I found $25 in my pocket! I buy a book, a set of stationary, and a chai latte. Half Price Books + coffee shop = perfection.

I have 25 minutes to watch anything on TV. I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" or "The Office" or any rom-com on repeat. I'd say longer shows, but if I can't finish them, I don't want to watch them! It's probably because they're all drama or crime scene and I have to see the conclusion.

A meal I can prepare, from start to finish, in 25 minutes or less isn't really a meal, but let's face it: crack popcorn can be substituted for any meal and has the calories of about 3 meals. It's basically the perfect food....except not. But yeah, two ingredients. I'm all over that.

At the age of 25, I wish I'd known how important it is to be older than 25 when answering this question? Ha! I'll say something I've learned since turning 25. I learned that comparison is not worthwhile, that cooking can be fun when I've planned ahead, and that it's ok not to have my whole life figured out.

If I drive 25 miles from my house, I'd be in the mountains at a waterfall {east}. Close to visiting my sister who lives close to the Canadian border {north}. Headed to Powell's Books {south}. On a ferry {west}.

Thanks for hosting 25 weeks of fun, Nicole, Jen, Becky, and Lisa! And thanks for reading, friends!

Decisions, Decisions

Life is full of decisions. As Jen from Conversion Diary points out {check out Lesson 5}, sometimes we need a break from making decisions. Unfortunately, I'm not in a season where break-taking is an option. The past several days felt like this:

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Which doula certification program do I choose? Which doula book should I read next? When should I start the next course? Should I start babysitting more so I can more quickly afford the doula workshop?

Where should I work while I'm getting certified? Do I stay in my current industry or switch? Who is going to be my new flatmate, since Samara is off on a new adventure? Do I stay in this area or move? 

When am I going to do laundry? How often does the floor need vacuumed? Is it time to run the dishwasher yet? How many times in a row can I have cereal for dinner!?

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Things have gotten a little crazy in my head, as evidenced by the slew of questions that are taking way more brain power than necessary. Last night, the only decision I wanted to make was "Can I finish another episode of 'The Office' before I have to leave?" 

I'm feeling better today. The decisions are still looming, but the stress level has decreased. I don't know if it was crying {check} or talking with Samara {check} and AJ {check} or simply a good night's sleep {um, not check}, but things are looking better today. God is in control. He already knows my life's story, so I'm going to keep clinging to Him and asking Him for direction.  

My Life is a Romantic Comedy...

The theme of this post:

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This is also the theme of my life, but that is depressing and beside the point. 

Example One of Bek's Rom Com: on Wednesday night, Samara and I went to a friend's college's portfolio showing. Actually, it was a called a "port-show-lio" which automatically means that we're in a rom-com, right? Renaming things to be cutesy and rhyming? Anyway, we were having a great time, appreciating students' amazing skills and hanging with a couple friends. 

We decide for our last few minutes, we would go and watch a video one of the students created. We stand in the back and are commenting on the soundtrack {kind of a cross between Sleeping At Last and Josh Garrels, in case you were wondering} and then it hit me: we forgot to pay for parking. We had parked in a lot that said "$5 Parking" and we pulled in thinking that five bucks was not bad, and we got out of the car and walked straight into the building. Without paying. And now the $5 that we would have and should have paid could look more like $60 from a parking ticket. 

Wide-eyed, I turned to Samara and panic-whispered, "We didn't pay for parking." Her eyes got as wide as mine and she asked, "Do you think we should leave now?" Still slightly stunned, I nodded, and we both turned and gave our farewells to our friends, and then we power-walked down the street to find....

no parking ticket! Praise be unto the Lord! And Nora Ephron, who is kind to her rom-com heroines.

Example Two of Bek's Rom-Com: Thursday was a second-day-hair day for me, so I got up and grabbed my hairbrush and dry shampoo, intending to hit the trouble spots and call it good. Except that I grabbed hair spray instead of dry shampoo. And I didn't notice until after I had sprayed quite a lot onto the crown of my head. 

I figured that maybe dry shampoo would remove hair spray, so I switched bottles and sprayed again. And then I brushed my hair and braided it and spent the rest of the day hoping no one would look at the crown of my head. And while no one dropped down on one knee like Nora Ephron would have dictated, no one pointed and exclaimed, "What happened to your hair!?" so I'm calling the day a win. 

Example Two reminds me of this:

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And on this note, I bid you a happy Friday and wonderful weekend. Peace to the out!

Not Alone Series Anniversary

The awesome Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe have been hosting the Not Alone Series for one whole year! So today in honor of this anniversary, participants are sharing what we've learned through this series.

Wow. The fact that these ladies have been linking up encouragement for a whole year is pretty amazing. I started participating back in January {read my first post here}, and I have to say, each Tuesday I've looked forward to a new topic and reading others' posts.

I think my favorite part of this link-up is the community, or the "support group," as Morgan jokingly {half-jokingly?} called it at the very beginning. I love that we have each other in this blogging world full of married homemakers and mommy bloggers.

I love that we find a sense of solidarity as we discuss various aspects of singlehood. I love that we can freely say/type, "you know what? I'm sick of ____" or "I really wish ____" or "For the love of Pete, if he would just _____" and we all know what we're all feeling and thinking.

I love our Facebook group and how we get really real and down and dirty and into the nitty gritties. And we find, wonder of wonders, that we are truly not alone. I know that's the name of the series and it should be obvious, but at first, it's strange and I wondered if it was real.

It's meeting someone and a deep topic comes up and you share your fears and this stranger says, "Oh, I know exactly how you feel," and you wonder, do you really? And through this series, I've learned the answer: yes, really. We all really know how we're feeling, what we're facing, and what our brains are thinking. It's not just that we've been there; we are there.

And while we're relating to one another, we're also making friends! We're getting new perspectives on all aspects of life. We're learning more about others and ourselves as we go through this series.  I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to write one of these posts but wanted to read someone else's first, just to make sure, once more, that I'm really not alone in this. And every time, the wonderful ladies in this link-up are tracking right along with me, and it's beautiful.

So what I've learned, really, though this wonderful series, is that there are some fantastic women in this world who are facing the same experiences I am and are handling it with grace, and I know that if they can face their situations with a heart full of trust and peace, then I can, too. Thank you so much, Jen and Morgan, for this community in the blogging world. This is a gift, and I'm grateful.

P.S. Some of my favorite topics from NAS are: Another Engagement, What I Know Now, and Dating Dos and Don'ts.
And in case you get sick of my posts, here are some of my faves from other NAS-ers: Rachel's post on friends, Dahlia's post about marriage, and Laura's post on marriage.    

Funny Friday is Back! Scaredy Cat Edition

Try and contain your excitement - Funny Friday is back! Brace yourselves... literally, brace, because this post is about being scared by your flatmate. Coming back with a sha-bang!

Samara tells me on a semi-regular basis that she has extra adrenaline, and I believe her. I forget, but I believe her. She'll be making breakfast in the kitchen and I'll come down the hallway and say something really frightening like, "Good morning," and she'll jump and drop her toast. It's quite amusing, mainly because I never mean to scare her but she scares easily. {That's how the picture above relates: I'm the guy, minding my own business and going about normal activities, and Samara is the girl freaked out of her mind by my entrance.}

Last night was one of those nights that was awesome and hysterical and deep and profound and just plain groovy for besties {and that's all I'll tell you because I wouldn't be a good bestie if I told you everything, right?}. Samara and I were talking in my room and then we finally moved; she went to go clean her bathroom and I used my bathroom and then followed her to finish the conversation.

So I walked out of my bedroom ready to pick up our topic, but I didn't know where Samara was. The lights in both her room and bathroom were on, so I tried to see where she was. I turned my head from her bedroom towards her bathroom, but then there was a flash of light from her bedroom and SHE APPEARED with a casual "boo." 

I screamed. She laughed. We're best friends.

What happened was that she had tried to turn off her light but it flicked back on, and because of the angle of the wall, I hadn't seen her until she stepped forward. We both laughed {and continue to laugh} at ourselves because we never mean to scare one another; it just happens. 

Happy Friday, homies! Have a magnificent weekend, and try not to scare anyone.

This Is Real Life

Last week, Holy Week, felt like Completely Unholy Week. Thank God it's over and that He is risen!

There were really only two factors that made last week hard: work and my health. On Monday, I was sitting at work, at the very desk where I'm currently sitting, and I had a revelation. I hate my current job. Yep.

For some background: I work for my parents, and last year when I started working for them full-time, I was worried and stressed and freaking out because I didn't completely know what I was doing or love what I was doing, but I didn't want to disappoint my parents, and if I didn't love this, how on earth would I get another job ever in my life??? Thankfully, my parents eased my fears by assuring me that not working for them was indeed an option; my friend Laurie reminded me that transitions take about a year to get fully adjusted, and so I relaxed. One might even say I flirted with apathy.

On Monday, it hit me: I hate this. I cannot continue sitting at a desk staring at a computer. I need human interaction. Suddenly, I was both so relieved and so frustrated! Relief washed over me because I knew that I didn't have to stay in this job. Frustration filled me because now that I've had this revelation, I have to have some patience before anything changes.

The good news is, Dad and I have talked about me doing something different, and on Wednesday, we had that conversation. And that's that. He's going to make some phone calls and I'm holding onto patience while the ball s-l-o-w-l-y starts rolling. I'm so thankful for a father and boss who are understanding and who want me to succeed.

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Part Two: health challenges.

Both for my dignity and for you weak stomachs out there, I'm going to give you just the highlights of my health roller coaster: doctor's appointment, antibiotics, missing work, working from home, learning that when meds say "take with food" they really mean "take with food so you don't feel nauseous and puke at work," a trip to the ER, and more antibiotics. Ta da!

I find myself laughing at God's sense of timing, because the very week I realize that I hate sitting in front of this computer all day is the same week that antibiotics and ER visits keep me home for about half of my working hours. Thank You, God, for pulling me out of the office right when I needed it most.

To end on a light and fluffy note, I went to my favorite bull's-eye store on Saturday and splurged on some a-freaking-mazing pink nail polish for Easter. So thankful He is risen indeed.

Out of Practice

Oh, hi.... there's no prompt to follow... um, how do I do this again? I think I forgot how to blog.

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Samara and I were talking blogs earlier, and she dubbed 2014 as "the year of the link-ups." I have been a little heavy on the link-ups, haven't I? Or rather, I've been light on the non-link-up posts. Sorry! I will do my best to remedy the situation... I think that 7QT will happen less frequently and Funny Fridays and IRL posts will happen more frequently. At least if I can remember how to think of posts without a prompt.

Alright, honesty is going to be my prompt. I don't think I've blogged very much "real" stuff lately because I've been comparing myself to other bloggers people and haven't felt like my thoughts are worth posting. Several creative pieces have come to me about not comparing myself, and while in some areas of life this isn't a struggle any more, there are still some areas where I have to keep fighting.

This blog is one of those areas.

My blog doesn't look like Samara's or Jen's or Dahlia's or Grace's or Laura's or Yvonne's. Our content is different. Our writing style is different. Our readers are different. Different is okay. I'm slooooowly learning this truth, and sloooooower than slow am learning how to live it.

So what if I don't have kids to share pictures of, or that I don't have book reviews of my favorite books, or that I bring up abortion in otherwise non-political prompts, or that I like linking up with bloggers from all over? So what if I listen to the "Man of Steel" soundtrack everyday for two weeks? So what if the only thing I blog about are stories of hiding from spiders or answering link prompts? So what if my process, both of blogging and living, is messy and awkward and still a process? Welcome to life!

The point is, this blog is full of the things that fill me. I can't write like anyone else because I am not anyone else. I am me, full of quirks and oddities and awesomeness.

Over and over and over the Lord has whispered to me, "You are enough." And I think I'm beginning to believe Him, on this blog and in life. I think my blogging is coming back. I'm back.

Oh Yeah, Real Life

It occurred to me last week that it's been a while since I've done a non-link-up post. This thought entered my brain, and the thought to follow was "I should use that as one of my 7QT." Sigh. *shakes head*

So life lately? Busy. Awesome. Full. Friends. Adulting. Books. Thoughts. Family. Plans. Allergies {ugh!}.

On Saturday, I finished Jesus Feminist. Wow. That book. So many people read it and said "this wasn't what I was expecting" and so I stopped expecting whatever I was expecting. And still, my expectations were blown out of the water. It is so different and refreshing and Jesus-focused and kind... I read it in just a few days like holding my breath and powering from one end of a pool to the other, and now I want to go back and re-read it slowly in order to, as "Bright Star" credits Keats with saying so beautifully, "luxuriate in the sensation of water." After a second {or third or fourth} reading, I will post a review.

One crochet project is finished! For Christmas, I jokingly told my friend Rosemary that I would make her a scarf "for Valentine's Day." Make that St. Patrick's Day. Oh wait, make that the first day of Spring. Crap, make that April Fool's Day. Whatever. The moral of the story is, I finished her scarf! The yarn was a bi...I mean beast to work with. Ugh. But it's finally done - hooray!

wrong color but same texture of awfulness

Samara told me that she was planning a Spring Cleaning session this {previous} weekend, and I got inspired and decided to join her separately. Unfortunately, Samara got sick this weekend, so she focused instead on getting better. I felt bad for her and sprayed Lysol and went through old documents and did laundry. No actual cleaning took place; my house desperately needs vacuumed.
Do you have any Spring Cleaning "rituals" or big tasks you save for spring? Samara's sister Melissa is writing a series on this {with a giveaway coming up!}, and I'm really looking forward to her posts.

Friday, I promised the Notions crew that I would make cookies, but when I got home later than planned, I realized that our fridge lacked eggs. {Please note the passive voice that blames the fridge, not the two residents who remove and consume items from the fridge.} Thankfully, my sister was allergic to eggs for a while and so I knew that applesauce works as a substitute for eggs {I'm thankful that I knew this, not that my sister had allergies, for the record.}.
The whole time I was mixing the batter, I was worried that the applesauce was bad {it wasn't} or that the cookies would taste awful {they didn't} or that everything would smell like baby food forever {of course it didn't}. Everything turned out just fine, and even with only 4 people eating cookies, there were just a handful left at the end of the night, and our hosts graciously agreed to keep them.

Have you heard John Legend's song "All of Me"? Oh my goodness, this song!!! Enjoy.

My friend Rebecca and I watched more than half of Season Two of "The Office" yesterday. Prior to yesterday, the only episodes I'd seen were in my Human Resource Management class {as bad examples, obviously}, so it's been fun to get the whole Jim-Pam relationship arc in order. Kinda feeling like this about the whole thing {I'm caught up to Christmas}:

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My dear friend Victoria asked me to guest post on her blog, and here is her announcement! I'm pretty excited, and I'm also thrilled that my roomie is another guest. Good manners and common sense tell me that I should invite Victoria to guest post here - keep your eyes open for that!

Well, blogging compadres, that's life. The other parts of life are too boring to blog about {like tutoring algebra or changing the water filter} or deserve their own posts {like a response to Jesus Feminist}.
Thanks for catching up on life. Tune in tomorrow for another link-up with the Not Alone Series.