Finish This: Week Forty-four

Celebrating/enduring Hump Day with this awesome link-up hosted by Jen at The Arizona Russums, Nicole at Three 31, Lisa at Coastlined, and Becky at The Java Mama.

{Kids} makes me smile because they are hysterical. I love how they are determined either not to wear any clothes or only one specific item of clothing. I love how they mispronounce words. I love how they get excited about anything and everything.

I put my trust in Jesus, friends, and chocolate, in that order.

I don't want to have regrets about not trying something; I'd rather have failed attempts than zero attempts.
As I write this, I'm thinking I say that's what I want, but is that how I live? The answer is: sometimes. I'd rather try and make a new friend than not have any - that's an area of strength. However, I hate failing, so lots of times I won't even try, like a new recipe or new hobby - this is an area of weakness. So... I'm working on living it.

There you have it - check out the link-up for more!

Not Alone Series: Discernment

It's Tuesday again! The link-up party is hosted by the ever-fabulous Jen at Jumping in Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe.

We all agree that discernment is challenging. Figuring out what the Lord is calling you to do with your life can be frustrating and exhausting. But, then add on lack of family support, cultural pressures, and your personal expectations... ugh. And, this isn't just in relation to vocational discernment, but general life discernment, too! How do you keep going? What helps you to push through? How can we encourage one another? What indicators have you experienced that lets you know you're going down the right path?

I think the best way to answer this is to review some Scriptures that talk about God and our plans:

The plans of the heart belong to man, 

but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

Proverbs 16:1

For I know the plans I have for you, 

declares the Lord, 

plans for welfare and not for evil, 

to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

God knows the plan for my life, because, uh, He came up with the plan. So God is directing my steps because He can see the end from the beginning {Revelation 22:13} and I can barely remember what I wore last week. 

So God knows where my life is headed, but how do I know? How do I go about living this life when I don't know where I'm going to end up? 

This question used to bug me... and by "bug me" I really mean keep me up all night worrying about Big Life Decisions. 

I would lie awake for hours thinking about all the things that I could see myself doing and wondering how to cram it all in to one life and wondering what degree I should get so that I could pursue as many career paths as possible and then I thought about meeting a man and naming our kids {at one point, I had a boy name and a girl name starting with every letter of the alphabet... just in case.} and worrying about how I would teach ballet and homeschool my children and travel the world and start an orphanage and live on a horse ranch and and and. On and on it went, and I would get more and more worked up each time I thought about Big Life Decisions.  

Then I got some sleep and realized that God is in control and that there is a very good reason for Him to be able to see beginning to end and for me to not be able to see past next week. I learned that I can trust Him, really truly trust Jesus with my life, and, like Mr. Incredible yells says, "We'll get there when we get there!"

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That was a really roundabout way of getting to this part: when I'm faced with A Big Life Decision, it's ok. I already know that the outcome is going to be good because God is in control. I don't really want to start a free will vs predestination discussion, so I will simply say that I believe God is good, no matter what, and He works all things together for the good of those who love Him {Romans 8:28}.

Shall we get nitty-gritty for just a paragraph? When faced with A Big Life Decision, I pray. I consider my options. I ask my parents, my discipler, my friends {when appropriate}, for their opinions. I wait - no haste on Big Life Decisions! One of the things I specifically pray for is that my parents and discipler and I will all be in agreement, because that is really powerful. 

When I was considering going to Kentucky for the rest of my degree, I prayed that my parents and I would all hear the same answer, and we did and off I went. 

A few months ago, I was praying about a move, and my parents and I did not hear the same thing. I waited a bit longer, and suddenly things changed that made staying the right answer. 

Personally, the most important part of making A Big Life Decision is the peace that comes with an answer. Even when the answer doesn't make sense for there to be peace, like moving across the country to go to a random little school filled with Southern strangers, I was completely at peace in the way only Christ can provide. Sure, I was nervous as hell, but deeper, there was peace that surpassed understanding {Philippians 4:7}.

Whew, this is way longer than I anticipated. Like, way longer. If you are still reading, way to go! How do you discern God's will for your life? Join the conversation!

Not Alone Series: Mary

It's Tuesday, which means I'm linking up with Jen from Jumping in Puddles and Morgan from Follow and Believe.

October is dedicated to the Holy Rosary, so we wanted to honor Mary and reflect on her help during this time of singleness. How have you called on her intercession before? What is your relationship with our Blessed Mother like? If you don't know much about Mary or the Rosary, is there something keeping you from getting to know her?

I'm going to tweak this post just a bit, because, um, #ProtestantProblems ;) But just because I don't say the rosary doesn't mean I can't learn from Mary, so let's start with her most well-known Scripture:

In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[b] the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.

Luke 1:26-38

I think my favorite part of this text is when Mary asks Gabriel how this whole conception and pregnancy thing is going to work, and the angel answers her so gently, which tells me that her question was not asked with sarcasm or disbelief. 

I'm pretty sure if an angel were to appear before me and tell me something as crazy and unbelievable as Mary's news, my response would be, "yeah, right!" But Mary trusts the Lord and simply asks how His plans are going to transpire. 

Also, I love how immediately Mary says yes to God. Gabriel tells her the what and the how, and Mary accepts it, totally and completely. Lord, let my trust in You grow to be like Mary's!

On Being An Adult

You guys, life is hard. Being an adult is hard.

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Being an adult is hard. I mean, it's fun and awesome and there are definitely perks, but man. It can be rough, too. The month of June {thus far - there are 2 more days left} has been really, really hard. Tough. Difficult. Challenging. Like, pretty sure life used this template:

X all the Y

I'm not skilled sure how to make/edit a meme, but here's what mine would say.

MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS!

SPEND ALL THE MONEY {on medical bills and procedures and ER bills and haven't I reached my deductible yet?!?!?!!?}

CARRY ALL THE STRESS!

ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS OF LIFE!!!

So yeah. Totes supes fun. 

I don't think I can share all the details of this challenging time, a) because it's really personal and b) because it's late and I want to sleep and c) because typing it all out will make it all seem {more} overwhelming. Overwhelming is not what I need, want, or desire. Overwhelming means that I'm not fully trusting God, and that's not where I want to be. I am trying to trust and to listen, and I know that when He answers, I'll obey and it will all work out. But right now I feel bogged down by the logistics of every. single. decision. that must be made, and it's like my spiritual ears are clogged with worry. 

I don't want to not hear God because I'm worrying about what He's saying. I don't want to miss His leading because I'm freaking out over where He's taking me. 

Friends, if you would take a moment and pray for me, I would be most grateful. You can pray for peace, for clarity, for direction, for babysitting jobs to come through, and for God's will to be done. Thank you. 

Blog Every Day Feb: Day Ten - This Season

Linking up with Bailey Jean!

"What are you learning this season?" Great question, Bailey!

First, let me describe my season. I think I did a little bit yesterday with the "day in the life" post and another little bit with my birthday post. This is a season of maturing {living on your own does that} and growing in strengths and passions {volunteering at the clinic, learning how I can do more}. It's a season of learning who I am and how I tick {see goals for this year} and a season of anticipation for what's coming ahead {post coming on that}.

So what am I learning in all this? I'm learning and reviewing and re-learning that God is good and that He has the best plans for me, and that nothing I come up with will be close to His plans. My trust in Him is growing and multiplying and is becoming my default, my MO, my fall-back.

When I get nervous about the future, more and more quickly I'm remembering to turn to God. My prayers have grown more frequent, more guttural, and more desperate, and His answers are more soothing, more caring, and more precise.

Jesus and I just spent the weekend together, and while it was a lovely time of reading, writing, praying, and seeking, I want still more. And isn't that the best? Because Jesus gives of Himself and I taste and see that He is good and I become thirsty for more of Him and He always has more to give.

So to answer Bailey's initial question, I am learning that I need Him more and He has more to give.

What are you learning in this season?

Blog Every Day Feb: Day Seven - Encouragement

We're a week into Bailey Jean's February challenge, and it's not too late to join if that is your heart's desire.

Today's prompt is "a public encouragement," and so here is some encouragement from the ultimate Encourager.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

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God has promised to take care of us, and if that's not encouraging, I don't know what is! Danica shared another amazing verse as encouragement, and of course the other linker-uppers all have beautiful posts. 

See you tomorrow!

Not Alone Series: Another Engagement

Do you struggle with balancing the sting of hearing about yet another proposal with genuine excitement? What emotions come into play? What virtues do you enlist to deal with it all?

Am I happy for you and your TDH's {Tall, Dark and Handsome} engagement? Yes, absolutely.

Am I thrilled to bits for you and wish you the very best? Of course.

Will I help you in anyway you ask or need? What are friends for!

Is your ring the prettiest, sparkliest diamond ever? It's divine.

Does your TDH know how to bless you via the way he proposed? You are blessed, friend.



Do I wish that I was engaged? Or even dating? Hell yes!


I think the hardest part about responding to a friend's newly-announced engagement is recognizing that you may feel both genuinely happy for them and bummed for yourself. One emotion does not cancel out the other, and that is where my struggle lies. I wrongly believe that if I am happy for my friend, I won't feel any sadness for me, or vice versa.

I don't think that sadness for your own situation cancels out your joy for you friend. However, the Lord tells us not to envy {Exodus 20; 1 Corinthians 13} and He tells us to be content {Psalm 131:2; Matthew 5:5; Philippians 4:8-14}. Sometimes it feels like I am grieving what isn't {a relationship}, and while in the moment it may seem appropriate, it doesn't proclaim a trust in God.

We are all familiar with Jeremiah 29:11, Proverbs 3:5, and Psalm 23. I want these verses to go in me deeper than just recitation. I want my default to be trust in the Lord. I want to hear of a friend's engagement with joy for her and a trusting peace for myself.

I love the scripture that Natalie at Here I Am shared. In fact, I love it so much that I'm going to conclude this post with it. His thoughts are not my thoughts, and for that reason alone I trust Him to direct my life in ways that I could never see possible.

Isaiah 55:8-9 ~ "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."

Linking up with Jen at Jumping In Puddles and Morgan at Follow and Believe. Join us!

Total Trust

Yesterday my sister and I visited the library of our childhood. It is uniquely situated over a river, and my family has many fond memories of walking (or biking or stroller-ing) along the river walk to the library. The joke in the family is that my sister J always, always ended up in the river, no matter what. In fact, she ended up in any body of water nearby, be it a puddle, lake, or river. {Later she joined swim team and excelled- we know why!}

While my sis and I looked at the river yesterday, I noted how fast the current was, and I considered how my mom willingly, regularly, took her 4 daughters on a walk next to this river, knowing that at least one of them was going in, and I wondered if I would let my children in or near the river. Then the thought came to me, well, It trust God… and I wondered if I trusted God to not let anything bad happen….or if I trusted Him no matter what happened. See the difference? One thought says that nothing bad will happen because I trust God, and the other thought says that no matter what happens, good or bad, I will continue to trust God.
Like in the river. Will I let my kids play in the river because I trust that nothing bad will happen to them, or do I let them play in the river because no matter what happens, I’m choosing to trust God?

Just a thought as I get closer to the heart of God.

It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Well, yesterday felt pretty dark, eh? True that. But you know what? God is still good, and He’s still the One in control, so why fret? {ps I think that “fret” is probably one of my favorite words to use.}

I found this lovely image yesterday and it is now my desktop.



It’s from the Kim Walker song {called I Surrender –shocking, ain’t it} off the album Here Is My Song. Check it out. It’s amazing. In fact, it’s so amazing that I’ll include a link to the youtube version. Be sure to check out the Spontaneous Song that goes with this one… more incredible, if that’s even possible.

So, in terms of life and stuff….

I’ve emailed some people at Bound4Life & JHOP-DC, and am waiting to hear back from them. Ironically, or not, the #shereadstruth for today was about Psalm 27 and waiting on the Lord. Why yes, that does seem to be a theme for me! God is so cool and funny and witty, even. Go, God!

Another happy note: I have a phone date with AJ!!!!!!!! Woot woot! I was so excited when I woke up this morning, and I get to talk to her in less than an hour! With the time difference, we had to coordinate around nap time and my work time, but we’re gonna do it and talk on the phone, but for realz!!! Ah. So excited.
Because of that phone call, I need to get dressed. No, she won’t be able to see me when we talk, but I have to leave for work right after our conversation, so I need to get ready now. Capice? Good. Peace out!

In the Midst of the darkness, I'll look for the Light...

I leave in 30 days. I just met with a neurologist today, and he mentioned seizures. I have so many things to do at school, and nothing can be done until I get there. My room looks half-naked, because I've packed up what is staying into boxes to go downstairs. My grandpa gets confused so easily.

There are so many dark things around me these days, in the midst of this summery sunshine, and I have been thinking that I need to focus on all the things that God has given me right now that I can appreciate them in the now. So here's my list.

I love...

• red nail polish on my toes
• the smell of pineapples
• blue skies and sunshine
• having a job that pays well
• getting to see my sisters
• my mom's dinners
• my dad's birthday cake
• shopping with my sisters for my dad's birthday present
• my new jeans that my BFF helped me pick out
• thinking about my new school
• seeing my grandpa smile when I hold his hand
• petting my dog
• folding clean towels
• visits with friends 

There! Just by making this list, I have realized how much I have to be grateful for! Thank You, Jesus, for my life. I know that You hold me in Your hands.

It's Official

The day has finally come. The decision has been made. The Lord has been sought, and He has poured out His favor.

I'm going to my far-away first choice school!!!! My parents and I were praying about for a while, but then the letter from the second-choice, local school came, and they wanted their money this week. So Mom and Dad and I looked at each other and said, "OK, we'll just hear God this week!"

I'm beyond confident that this is where I'm supposed to go. I nervously waited for Mom and Dad to tell me what they had heard, and when they said "yes," I was thrilled. My heart is so at peace, and I'm really excited and nervous and shaking and smiling and I wish it was August already!

On the other hand, I'm a little sad. I know that I will miss my friends and family, and the familiar. This will be the first time that I don't go to my home church for an extended period of time, and I'm nervous about what the church there will entail. But I know that God is good and He has great plans for me, and when I'm in His will, there's grace. I have been praying for His Spirit and His conviction to be with me when I go, because I'll be alone, so I'll need Him to guide me.

He shared some things with me yesterday, and I realized what a huge step this is for me. One wrong decision, and I'll have no one to blame but myself. I could get in very bad trouble, or I could stay straight with God and get His heart for everything! I plan on doing the latter. Thank you for sharing my excitement. I'll keep you posted as I register for classes and get my free t-shirt! :)

We're Together

This week has been all up and down for me. You may know that I was accepted into my first choice college, many many miles away from home. You may also know I applied to my hometown college, a few miles away. I got in there, too.

But let me back up. After I had applied to both, I wanted, oh so badly, to go far away to school. I wanted it. I breathed it. I dreamed it, and I didn't even have a mental picture to dream about, so my mind made one up so I could dream about it! I was praying that I would get it while I was trying not to get my hopes up, since I do live so far away and the odds of me getting in were slim. I tried to force my heart to be ok with going to the hometown school, and I tried and tried to like it. But I couldn't. I wasn't on the alter. I was holding my heart with both hands covered, not willing to let God mold it as He chose.

 But then I found myself on the alter, and I found myself way more at peace. I had asked Him, even against my own will, to have His way. And suddenly I realized that no matter what school I went to, I could worship my Lover. He had eased my grip off my heart, and then He too it gently in His own palms and kissed my heart. I found complete peace, and I loved His will. I told Him, "Whatever You want, do it. I choose You." I would have been completely happy going to my hometown school; I actually began believing that I would, because there was no way in God's green earth that I could get in to the far-away school, but hey, let's see what God does.

This went on for about a month, while I waited for a letter, a postcard, something from either of these schools. It was agony, but I was at peace. Funny how God gives perfect peace, but sometimes there is pain in the peace, so the pain doesn't hurt that badly, but it's still there, but the peace is never marred. God is so cool.

Well, I got a letter. Actually, it was a BIG envelope with a letter and a scholarship from my first-choice school. Yes, I got in. Against all odds, I got in to this amazing school several states away. I made it. They want me. I was thrilled! And so my dad and I went to visit this far-away school, and I fell in love with it. Small school, small town, friendly people, beautiful campus. Yes, this is pretty much Heaven on earth. And I still hadn't heard from my local school, so why not dream? Well, I think in this dreaming, I reclaimed my grip on my heart. Going to my local school seemed an incredible chore. I got in where I wanted; why should I care about this other school? "I care," God seemed to say. "I care, because I want you to trust Me completely. What if I ask you to stay local? Can you still worship? Will you be mad at Me? What if?"

Again I am forced to surrender my will to His, and I'm still in the process of getting to the peace. Both of these schools are prestigious, and I should be honored and grateful that I was accepted at my local school, because it's very competitive, but to be completely honest...I was disappointed that I got in. I was pretty sure I would get in, and I felt bad that I was accepted when other people that I know were not. And I was a little mad at God for still keeping both doors open. He reminded me, though, that to Him, it's about relationship, and if I got my decision in a letter, I wouldn't have to press in to Him and ask Him.

But because I face an immense decision, I am forced to give my heart back to Him and surrender my will back to His. My parents told me that they are pretty sure that I'm going to the far-away school, and when they said that, I almost melted. To have their support is huge. But then something else replaced the weight of uncertainty: I'm leaving. I am moving across the country for two years. I will live in a dorm with someone that I have never met, and I will go to school with people who are used to a completely different culture than I am.

Sadness, maybe? Nervousness? Anticipation laced with timidity, sprinkled with excitement and salted with reality? Probably all of the above. I'm still open to God telling me to go to the local school, and I'm still working on relinquishing my grip. My head knows that I will be MUCH better off in His will than mine, but my heart is slow and rather stubborn... it's a process.

I will leave you with this: trust Him. He wants the best for you, and more than that, He just wants you. If He can have relationship with you while you're going through hell, then hell is to His glory, and He will bring gold out of the fires of hell. When He gives you peace, no pain can dull it. When you know that you know that you know He adores you, it doesn't matter what school you go to. It only matters that you and Him are together. We're together.

Content

Hello, readers, So over the past few months, the Lord has had me on a journey deeper into His heart. I didn't realize that this is where He was leading me, because I was so focused on what I was giving up. But now that I'm here, I'm realizing that I would never want to be anywhere else, because it is in this place of perfect rest and peace and trust that life is beautiful.

I'm a college sophomore. I have one more quarter at the two-year school I'm at right now, and then I'm transferring. I don't know where to yet, but I know that His plan is perfect. I've applied to a school in state, that a lot of my friends and acquaintances are attending, and I've applied to a school across the country where I know no one and will only see my family twice a year. And the funny thing is, I want to go to that school across the country. I want to spread my wings and live where no one else that I know is living, and I want to have an adventure.

This is where the journey started: I wanted to go to that school SO badly that I wasn't willing to worship the Lord if He told me to stay in-state. He kept whispering, "what if I send you here?" And I would sigh in my head and say, "ok, God, whatever." And then in the back of my mind, where I think God can't hear me, I'd say, "but I'm really going across the country." That's not trusting God!!! That's not believing in His goodness! And I knew it, and He of course knew it. So He kept asking me...what if, Bek? What if? And I'd cry and ignore Him, or I'd cry and really contemplate the issue, and then in worship, He'd bring it up, right as I was singing about surrender or trust or something gorgeous like that, and He'd say, "does school apply?" And I'd cry some more and say, "yes, it does...but God! I really want to go to this school, not that school!" And He said, "I know, Beloved, but do you trust that I have the best plan?"

And for a while, I wasn't able to make it past that question. And then last week in worship, I realized that I could make it past that question. A settling had come... it had transferred from my mind to my heart. I had been telling myself all along that I want to go to school where God's going, and if He's not there, I don't want to be there. And all of a sudden, that head revelation passed to my heart, and I got it. I realized that I really don't want to go where He's not going, and then there was peace in my heart.

Everything I had worried and stressed about no longer mattered. It just came down to Him and me, Him having the absolute BEST plan for my life, and me trusting and resting in His arms believing that truth. Now that I've reached this point, I can say that He has my heart. I know that I know that I KNOW that He has the most AMAZING design for my life, and all I have to do is believe Him and let Him have His way.

Wherever I end up going to school in the fall, I know that it will be exactly where God wants me to be, and I know that I will worship Him through it all. Before He took me on this journey, I knew I wouldn't be able to truly worship Him if He kept me in-state. But now I know that He is so worthy of all my worship, and it doesn't matter where He sends me...He is good. I'm in awe.

So I've been applying to a bunch of colleges this Christmas season, and I'm praying that God will lead me to just the right school...but I haven't been trusting Him to do so. I keep wanting Him to do things in my timing, my way, but that's not how God operates. He has perfect timing, not me, so I have to wait and rest in Him. He has the perfect school all picked out, with testimonies ready to abound as I apply and get in...I just don't know where it is yet!

My mom told me the other night that I have to worship my way through this. Yes, I can pray, but I can have a sucky attitude while I pray, so that doesn't really work. But it is impossible to have a bad attitude and remain mad at God while you worship Him. It can't be done. Try it, I dare you. Your attitude, your problems, your anger and frustration and desire to strangle some necks will all diminish as His Presence invades your heart and mind.

So that's where I'm at, readers. I'm choosing to worship as I trust and rest in Him. God SO has the better plan than me, so I just have to praise Him for that and keep believing Him.

TRUST

This is called TRUST and I wrote it March 25th, 2008

It's an impossible situation, and the consequences are dire.

Where will I turn for strength? The choice is right there: fake it all by myself, or give it up to Someone else. 

Of course I'll take control! Who else is there? Who else can I trust to weather this storm?

But then I find that I can't do it. I'm not strong enough; I don't have enough control to ever survive.

So I begin to loosen my grip, and as my fingers peel off the wheel, the world slowly turns to right-side-up.

I realize that my control causes death, and His control only brings life.

So I choose to trust Him with my life.

Some thoughts

So I've been thinking about trust a lot recently. The school I'm attending just released the schedule for the next quarter, and the general consensus on campus is that Spring Quarter sucks. All the classes are arranged so oddly that it feels impossible to get just the right schedule.

So I sat down with my wise father one evening, and we worked out a schedule. It was a great schedule...just notice I used the past tense there. The class I wanted was full; a teacher recommended that I not take a certain class online; and now I'm in a different class than the rest of my foreign language friends. AUGH! So as I wait to hear back from the science teacher about my chances of getting into his class this coming quarter, since I'm 8th on the waiting list, I hear the Lord whispering, "Rest and trust, My daughter; rest and trust that I have it all taken care of." And I know that, in my spirit, but sometimes my mind freaks out and just goes BLAH! I want to take care of it all, NOW!

But my spirit wins. That's the good news. I have to consciously choose, several times a day, really, to not give in to fear and doubts and what-ifs, but to let the Lord handle it all in His perfect timing and way. I mean, He's God! What can't He do?!

My church watched the video of Louie Giglio last week, about how amazingly GIGANTIC the universe is, and then realizing that God holds all of that in the palm of His hand. So my class schedule is SO not an issue for Him! It may seems like the biggest thing in my life, but God can totally handle it! So let me encourage you to rest and trust. He's got it. That's all you need.