Saturday, May 22, 2010
This week has been all up and down for me. You may know that I was accepted into my first choice college, many many miles away from home. You may also know I applied to my hometown college, a few miles away. I got in there, too.
But let me back up. After I had applied to both, I wanted, oh so badly, to go far away to school. I wanted it. I breathed it. I dreamed it, and I didn't even have a mental picture to dream about, so my mind made one up so I could dream about it! I was praying that I would get it while I was trying not to get my hopes up, since I do live so far away and the odds of me getting in were slim. I tried to force my heart to be ok with going to the hometown school, and I tried and tried to like it. But I couldn't. I wasn't on the alter. I was holding my heart with both hands covered, not willing to let God mold it as He chose.
But then I found myself on the alter, and I found myself way more at peace. I had asked Him, even against my own will, to have His way. And suddenly I realized that no matter what school I went to, I could worship my Lover. He had eased my grip off my heart, and then He too it gently in His own palms and kissed my heart. I found complete peace, and I loved His will. I told Him, "Whatever You want, do it. I choose You." I would have been completely happy going to my hometown school; I actually began believing that I would, because there was no way in God's green earth that I could get in to the far-away school, but hey, let's see what God does.
This went on for about a month, while I waited for a letter, a postcard, something from either of these schools. It was agony, but I was at peace. Funny how God gives perfect peace, but sometimes there is pain in the peace, so the pain doesn't hurt that badly, but it's still there, but the peace is never marred. God is so cool.
Well, I got a letter. Actually, it was a BIG envelope with a letter and a scholarship from my first-choice school. Yes, I got in. Against all odds, I got in to this amazing school several states away. I made it. They want me. I was thrilled! And so my dad and I went to visit this far-away school, and I fell in love with it. Small school, small town, friendly people, beautiful campus. Yes, this is pretty much Heaven on earth. And I still hadn't heard from my local school, so why not dream? Well, I think in this dreaming, I reclaimed my grip on my heart. Going to my local school seemed an incredible chore. I got in where I wanted; why should I care about this other school? "I care," God seemed to say. "I care, because I want you to trust Me completely. What if I ask you to stay local? Can you still worship? Will you be mad at Me? What if?"
Again I am forced to surrender my will to His, and I'm still in the process of getting to the peace. Both of these schools are prestigious, and I should be honored and grateful that I was accepted at my local school, because it's very competitive, but to be completely honest...I was disappointed that I got in. I was pretty sure I would get in, and I felt bad that I was accepted when other people that I know were not. And I was a little mad at God for still keeping both doors open. He reminded me, though, that to Him, it's about relationship, and if I got my decision in a letter, I wouldn't have to press in to Him and ask Him.
But because I face an immense decision, I am forced to give my heart back to Him and surrender my will back to His. My parents told me that they are pretty sure that I'm going to the far-away school, and when they said that, I almost melted. To have their support is huge. But then something else replaced the weight of uncertainty: I'm leaving. I am moving across the country for two years. I will live in a dorm with someone that I have never met, and I will go to school with people who are used to a completely different culture than I am.
Sadness, maybe? Nervousness? Anticipation laced with timidity, sprinkled with excitement and salted with reality? Probably all of the above. I'm still open to God telling me to go to the local school, and I'm still working on relinquishing my grip. My head knows that I will be MUCH better off in His will than mine, but my heart is slow and rather stubborn... it's a process.
I will leave you with this: trust Him. He wants the best for you, and more than that, He just wants you. If He can have relationship with you while you're going through hell, then hell is to His glory, and He will bring gold out of the fires of hell. When He gives you peace, no pain can dull it. When you know that you know that you know He adores you, it doesn't matter what school you go to. It only matters that you and Him are together. We're together.