Testimony

Hello, readers, Well, some of you may know this and some of you may not know this, so I will tell you all once and for all what has happened to me in the past week.

On Wednesday, April 14th, 2010, at 6:40am, I was waiting to catch my bus to go to school. Oh no! I thought. I forgot to pray the Blood papers this morning! Usually when I forget, I can remember the ones that I pray all the time, like my mind or my heart or my affections. Today I remembered only the very end: "The Lord is a wall of fire all around me. The angels of the Lord encamp around me." I declared this promise over myself and boarded my bus, onto another day of school.

After classes, at 10:20am, I hurried from my classroom to the bus stop. I had some errands to run before I went to work at 12:30. At 10:21am, I was attempting to cross the street to get on the bus when I was hit by a car. The car hit my on my right side, and I went onto the hood, and then fell from the hood to the hard road below, landing on my left side. My left elbow bears testimony to the intensity of the fall.

I was able to stand up almost right away. The Lord is a wall of fire all around me.

I realized I had not broken any bones. Then angels of the Lord encamp around me.

A stranger came over to me and asked me if I was ok. I said yes. The Lord is a wall of fire all around me.

He asked if I knew what day it was. I said Wednesday. The angels of the Lord encamp around me.

He walked me over to the side of the road and helped me sit down. He asked if I wanted to see a doctor, and I said yes. He told me he would get Campus Security. They came in their truck, and after making sure I was not too badly injured, they called for an aid car. A fire truck came. After examining me, they repeatedly told me I was lucky. I smiled and said, "I know." The Lord is a wall of fire all around me.

The medic placed me in a C-collar to protect my neck, and then they strapped me to a board on a stretcher. I was placed in the aid car and then had to face probably the most painful part of my adventure: calling my mom. The medic dialed the number and then handed me the phone. "Mom?" I hesitated, not sure how to tell her. Do I tell her to sit down first? I wondered. Just break it to her, I concluded. "Mom, I'm in an ambulance..." Mom joined me in the ER a few minutes after I arrived. The nurses were feeling my body and checking my heart rate and blood pressure. "Everything seems fine," they told us. "What happened?" "I was hit by a car," I told them. The two nurses both gasped. "Wow," they said, "you're really lucky! It could have been a lot worse!" The angels of the Lord encamp around me.

I went home only two hours after getting to the hospital. Nothing was broken; I only have bruises and soreness. I missed one day of school and two days of work. My elbow's bruise is fading every day. I get massages! The Lord is a wall of fire all around me. The angels of the Lord encamp around me.

Heart of a Man...and a mom!

Hey, readers. So yesterday I had the most amazing time witnessing, and experiencing, almost, the role of a mom for her sons. I was playing in the pool with some of the kids I work with, and it so happened that I was the only girl in that area of the pool; there was the main guy counselor and then probably 6 elementary-school-aged boys. Two of the boys are 6, and I adore them.

They were swimming with me earlier, but when the guy counselor got in the pool, all the boys went and tackled him. Their love and desire for adventure and "male bonding time", but the two younger ones were a little intimidated by all the big-boy wrestling; we were in a swimming pool, after all. So the little boys would go fight their dragon, so to speak, and then come back to me for a rest and breath. I got to tell them how exciting it was that they were going and attacking the counselor, and by doing so, I was fueling their desire for more. So they went back again! And then they came back to me for a little comfort.

This was the sweetest moment: realizing that I will do this with my sons and husband. I will tell my sons to go "attack" their daddy, and they will come back to me when they're scared, and I will get to tell them that they really can tackle Daddy, and they will conquer their fears, and if they get hurt, I'll be here for them.

I read John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart and have thought about the manly desire for conquest ever since. Because I have a mom's heart, I have to remind myself to let boys be boys, even if it means they get rough. Boys can't be expected to sit still for very long, and that's not a bad thing. I hate that society has emasculated men and boys. REAL men is what our culture is looking for, even as they attempt to force boys into girls' molds. I encourage you to read Wild at Heart if you haven't already. Or if you have, reread it...we all need reminders about the heart of a man.

Goals

Spring Break- two of the most glorious words in the entire English language! Today I accomplished my Spring Break goal: fill a photo album with pictures from a photo shoot my sisters and I did last spring. Two days ago I went through several hundred pictures (yes, hundreds! our photographer is thorough!) and selected my favorite 24 shots. Today, I confirmed with my sister my selections, and then we went to the drugstore and printed them off. We got home and spent a few minutes fussing over the order, but it is all done!

My great-aunt gave me the photo album for Christmas, and when I saw it, I knew that it was the perfect one for this photo shoot. So during the stress of finals a couple weeks ago, I made it my goal to fill the album by the end of Spring Break. And I have done it! My other Spring Break goal is to apply to the school-within-the-school at the local university. The application is due Monday, and my goal is to mail it on Saturday before it's due. So I finished my rough draft of my essay today, and then tonight my friend and fellow applicant are going to go over our essays over the phone. Then I will print the essay and my transcript and will get myself an envelope and stamp! I can almost taste the finished product!

My goal for the summer is to make one of my MC year, because when my parents bought me a camera, it came with a free book of 24 pics {I think? Have to double-check!} that I send to the company and they'll put together for me. So that is my summer goal. Well, on a more long-term note, my goal is to graduate from college without any debt, and so to do that, I must work. So farewell for now, readers- it's off to work I go! :)

Content

Hello, readers, So over the past few months, the Lord has had me on a journey deeper into His heart. I didn't realize that this is where He was leading me, because I was so focused on what I was giving up. But now that I'm here, I'm realizing that I would never want to be anywhere else, because it is in this place of perfect rest and peace and trust that life is beautiful.

I'm a college sophomore. I have one more quarter at the two-year school I'm at right now, and then I'm transferring. I don't know where to yet, but I know that His plan is perfect. I've applied to a school in state, that a lot of my friends and acquaintances are attending, and I've applied to a school across the country where I know no one and will only see my family twice a year. And the funny thing is, I want to go to that school across the country. I want to spread my wings and live where no one else that I know is living, and I want to have an adventure.

This is where the journey started: I wanted to go to that school SO badly that I wasn't willing to worship the Lord if He told me to stay in-state. He kept whispering, "what if I send you here?" And I would sigh in my head and say, "ok, God, whatever." And then in the back of my mind, where I think God can't hear me, I'd say, "but I'm really going across the country." That's not trusting God!!! That's not believing in His goodness! And I knew it, and He of course knew it. So He kept asking me...what if, Bek? What if? And I'd cry and ignore Him, or I'd cry and really contemplate the issue, and then in worship, He'd bring it up, right as I was singing about surrender or trust or something gorgeous like that, and He'd say, "does school apply?" And I'd cry some more and say, "yes, it does...but God! I really want to go to this school, not that school!" And He said, "I know, Beloved, but do you trust that I have the best plan?"

And for a while, I wasn't able to make it past that question. And then last week in worship, I realized that I could make it past that question. A settling had come... it had transferred from my mind to my heart. I had been telling myself all along that I want to go to school where God's going, and if He's not there, I don't want to be there. And all of a sudden, that head revelation passed to my heart, and I got it. I realized that I really don't want to go where He's not going, and then there was peace in my heart.

Everything I had worried and stressed about no longer mattered. It just came down to Him and me, Him having the absolute BEST plan for my life, and me trusting and resting in His arms believing that truth. Now that I've reached this point, I can say that He has my heart. I know that I know that I KNOW that He has the most AMAZING design for my life, and all I have to do is believe Him and let Him have His way.

Wherever I end up going to school in the fall, I know that it will be exactly where God wants me to be, and I know that I will worship Him through it all. Before He took me on this journey, I knew I wouldn't be able to truly worship Him if He kept me in-state. But now I know that He is so worthy of all my worship, and it doesn't matter where He sends me...He is good. I'm in awe.

Musings

Do you ever have those moments where you just have to write? Do some things just move you to inspiration, to strive for something more than just the obvious? Sometimes it takes just a little jolt and I'll realize that I need to do a certain thing a different way, or begin again those things I had set aside. Tonight I watched Bright Star, and when I came upstairs and was studying for finals, I could feel my brain move into poetic mode. And then the rain came, a glorious, heavy, soaking, enchanting and entrancing rain came. It thundered upon my roof, and I turned off my worship music to let Him conduct. Oh, it was beautiful. I wish I had appreciated it longer.

Today, I realized that Jesus is totally and completely head over heels in love with me. And I realized again that I want to fall head over heels in love with Him. Nothing, no one else satisfies, or even comes close. HE is the only thing that comes remotely close to closing the void in my soul. His arms wrap around me and pull me so close I can't breathe...and then we breathe together, and it is like my first breath. He whispers my name, and it's like no one else has ever said my name before. He declares His passionate love for me, and I'm a goner.

It's like a scene from some movie where the character has a flashback, and she's standing still and everything else moves in fast-motion behind her and away from her, until all we can see is the look of astonishment on her face. That's how I feel when He tells me He loves me. Everything else in my mind and life fades instantly, and I am alone with Him. It happens every time, no matter where I am. I could be on the bus, or in class, or in the middle of a conversation, and He says, "I adore you, Beloved," and it's like the pause button was pressed and I have to catch my breath and blink a few times to return to this present reality. I think I'm falling in love...

Stories...

Hello, beloved readers! I hope you realize that you are beloved, really and truly. He loves you! So I woke up the other morning and thought, it all comes down to stories. Everything in our lives comes down to a story.

Think about it. In school, why do you study English? To read stories. Even nonfiction books have stories in them. Why do you study math? Story problems!!?!?!? Hello! And in science, what makes it interesting [for me, at least]? The stories about how things were discovered or created. What is history? PURE story! What do we love to tell our best friend? A story of what happened the other day, last week, six years ago! How do you practice another language? Tell stories! How did Jesus teach his followers? Stories!

I read somewhere that God is all about stories. He is the ultimate Author, and He loves to write the stories of our lives. I think this is my favorite part of Him: His storytelling nature. It's probably because He made me like that, but I think He made me like that because it's a part of His nature! His whole love letter to us is a story, a gorgeous collaboration of thousands of stories that take place over hundreds of years, all revealing His majesty and His passionate love for us. I can't get enough of His stories!

It's been a while...

So, my beloved readers, it's been a while. I apologize. I've been having technical difficulties with my computer, and I've been fighting my schoolwork for some time to write. Well, I finally won! :)

Recently the Lord has been speaking to me about training for a spiritual marathon. He told me I've done sprints before, and that's great, but now is the time to go all out and train for the long haul. He's been reminding me to build up my spirit man; I seriously have been praying in tongues for almost an hour every day, broken up into 10 minute chunks. At the bus stop, the Lord will prompt me. Walking to the bus stop. Walking to class. Riding the bus. Before class starts. On my way to work. Waiting for the kids. Exercising. Cleaning my room. Getting ready for school or bed.

It's amazing how many times in the day the Lord will, ever so gently, remind me to pray. It's been so easy! I know it's because I'm not doing it in my own strength; if this was me, it would be impossible. But it's God, and it's great! I don't know why I'm training for this marathon. Well, I hope I know, but I won't find out if my guess is correct for a few more months. But even if the training is for something else, I know that I need it. If God tells you to train, gosh darn it, you better train! So I am.

 He's also been having me declare the Blood Papers over myself and my descendants, and He's been leading me into the Word a lot. Pastor Dennis Cole totally brought Holy Spirit conviction to me last week when he quoted Paul: "Do not neglect the reading of the Word." WHOA!!! You better believe that I stepped up my game. I don't know what this training is for. I really hope it's for the next school year, particularly a school that I've never been to before. But if it's not for that school, or if it's for something completely unrelated, does that make the training any less important?

I've been learning to embrace the process even when I can't see the end. So let me encourage you in this, readers. Take off for your destination, and go all out for it. And enjoy your route.